A Humiliating Movement. I Mean Moment.

When you get married, let’s be honest, you have no idea what you are getting into. When you are all googly-eyed and in love, floating down that aisle on your father’s arm, watching your groom beam at you, you never think you will one day tearfully (okay, hysterically) say to him in a hospital room after you’ve just birthed him a child:

“I’m just really scared I’m not going to be able to poop.”

And you never dream he will say in return:

“Honey, let’s just get you a suppository.”

Ah, sooo romantic. The stuff dreams are made of, truly.

But that is exactly what happened after I had my second child. With my first, I’d had an emergency C-section, and suffered an awful complication of surgery, called an ileus, which is a paralyzed bowel. Basically, I couldn’t poop or pass gas. I swelled up ’til I looked like I was nine months pregnant again and I was in agonizing pain (and also, I had a giant incision in my gut. So.) The pain was much, much worse than my actual labor pains when I’d been trying to push Joshua out.

So, after I had Sophie, and had another C-section, I was terrified of getting an ileus again. So I tearfully took my husband’s advice, got a suppository from the nurse (what a fun job. Why does anyone want to do that??), pooped, and -voila! – no ileus! Made recovery much, much better.

Fast forward three days. We are at the pediatrician’s with baby Sophie to get results from a blood test to check her bilirubin levels as she was a wee bit jaundiced when we’d left the hospital. Sophie’s doctor is checking her over and asking all the routine newborn questions, when he looks up at me and says:

“And how have the bowel movements been?”

I stuttered a bit. “Um, well…I’ve only had a couple.”

He looked at me quizzically and then – he couldn’t help it – stifled a laugh.

“That’s great,” he said, “but I was asking about the baby.”

(Ohhhhh. RIGHT. Not EVERYONE was obsessed with MY bowel movements. In my post-partum and vicodin-induced haze, I’d forgotten.)

I just started laughing – I laughed, I cried. It hurt my incision to laugh but I couldn’t stop! My husband was laughing too – why? Because my answer made perfect sense to him. He was also still a tad preoccupied with my bowel movements.

Now that’s love, isn’t it?

(I still can’t look the kids’ doctor square in the eye.)

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30 Replies to “A Humiliating Movement. I Mean Moment.”

  1. Thanks for the morning laugh!!!! =) At least I’m obviously not alone with “mommy brain” which isn’t much better than “pregnancy brain”.

  2. That’s awesome – and hey, we’re so used to being one person with our kids it takes time to separate – I didn’t realize I had to make Alex appointments as a new patient in the same clinic I’d been going to – he’d been coming along for all of them 🙂

  3. Thats awesome! And its totally what marriage is all about, having a partner to share your poop issues with and then laugh with non-stop!

  4. In my immediate post-partum haze, I felt this great need to tell the nurse how I had peed on the bed during my contractions. Except in the percocet-haze I couldn’t really speak and kept coming up with completely different words than I wanted. It was very frustrating at the time, but very very funny in hindsight.

    I had a fourth degree tear, so I too was obsessed with bowel movements for a few days. A few terror filled days, I might add. 😉

  5. Hilarious! What’s really funny is that a friend of mine and I were just talking about how comfortable you must be to have discussions like these with your husband. We literally had that conversation two hours before I read your post!!! Thanks for the laugh!

  6. Great story. I bet that pediatrician also tells it on his blog. =)

    Can’t all mommies understand this one? My fear was what would happen when the stitches dissolved (and I didn’t have a c-section). Ahhh!

  7. With a 4th degree repair (part episiotomy, part tear) I literally sat there and cried when I had to go. It was so much worse than drug-free child birth – I swear it was. It was only then I wanted an epidural…. Okay, so I’m exaggerating a wee bit. I was really just terrified my stitches would split.

  8. That is priceless!! And hysterical! And so very much like something I would do…only with me it would be so much worse because our pediatrician is also one of our best friends!

  9. I very much needed a laugh tonight, so thank you! That’s too funny, and something that I’m sure we’ve all done at some point. Those first few weeks you’re in such a haze that the funniest, and sometimes worst, things come out of our mouths 🙂 Thank goodness for loving husbands and understanding pediatricians!

  10. I have been with my husband almost 19 years and yes I would talk to him about this kinda stuff. But if I think back when I first met him I was so shy I would not even eat in front of him of fear of making a mess of myself. But that is truely a funny story and yes I was laughing. I will probaly share that with some of my non blogging buddies.

  11. Thanks for sharing and giving me a great laugh! I know it’s about the babies, but we mom’s want to know they’re concerned about us too! I mean gosh, we just spent 9 months going through pregnancy and who knows how long pushing something out that did NOT feel good… We need a little attention too! =)

  12. Hahaha! That’s funny! And so embarrassing…

    I had my daughter 15 months ago, and I was so surprised by the similarities between our conditions (she was born premature). One of those was definitely the obsession with pooping! 🙂

  13. Oh my fricking gosh!!! The same thing happened to me… well kinda… 🙂
    The first visit to my second born’s pedi, he ask that ever so popular question “And how are the bowel movements?”
    And of course this blonde mama replies, “Oh I’m pooping just fine thanks!”
    Glad to know I’m not the only one who’s discussed their ability to poo with their child’s pedi! 😉

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