Jenny’s Life Klass: What NOT to get your kid for Christmas, technology edition

JLKWhat Not Christmas

Welcome to another holiday edition of Jenny’s Life Klass! Last year, I bossed you around and told you what NOT to get your kids for Christmas, and this year, I’m doin’ it again. (Last year STILL APPLIES in most cases! Better go re-read it!) But with a special emphasis on technology-based presents that YOU SHOULD NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES BUY FOR YOUR KID! I know this might make some of you mad, but I have decided I can deal with that. I know you’re going to buy whatever you want for the Princes and Princesses you have spawned, but hopefully when you do, you’ll at least know that I am totally judging you. I hope that through this post I can at least put an attractively made-up version of myself on your shoulder as you enter the Walmartz and buy ALL THE INAPPROPRIATE THINGS. So let’s get to it!

Numero uno! The Fisher-Price Newborn-to-Toddler Apptivity™ seat for iPad® device


Uh, umm, uhhhhh…when I first saw this monstrosity I thought it was a joke. After I realized it was NOT a joke, I was rendered speechless. But lucky for you I found my voice! Fisher-Price, I love you, I do. I mean, I have ALL THE LITTLE PEOPLE THINGS for my little guy. But really, could you NOT contribute to the zombiefication of our children? Infants and toddlers do NOT need to be strapped into a seat watching a screen! I don’t care if it’s playing Sesame Street, it’s totally unnecessary and WRONG. Little kids need in-ter-ac-tion with actual HUMANS in order to develop properly. So parents, please don’t go purchase this for little Bayleighlynne Arboretum or whatever you weirdos are naming your kids these days. Just because North West and Blue Ivy have one, it doesn’t make it right!!

Which leads me to…this…since Blue Ivy’s really old enough for this shame to humanity now:

CTA Digital 2-in-1 iPotty with Activity Seat for iPad

digital potty

Hey you know what would be awesome? If you could turn your kid’s brain to poop, WHILE HE POOPS! That would be totally BOSS! What, wait? Now you CAN turn your child’s developing brain into excrement while he deuces? Hallelujah! Hooray for technology! Little Chauncey (or whatever hispter name you gave your baby) no longer has to take time out of his busy Angry Birds Star Wars schedule to drop one in the pot. BEST CHRISTMAS EVER!!!!!!!!!!!

Side note: the warranty on this thing actually states that you can be reported to Child Protective Services just for buying it. Purchase at your own risk, knuckleheads! (Just kidding, it doesn’t say that. Don’t sue me. But seriously, quit making crap like this.)

And finally, and here’s where you all start to hate me, but it’s cool:

Apple iPod Touch

ipod touch

Guess what, y’all? This is a great gift for your teenager. It is the dumbest gift EVER for your six-year-old, or even nine-year-old. I know, I know, all your kids already have one. Sorry to poop on the party. If you are one of the few, the proud, the parents who don’t bestow expensive $250 electronics on their first-graders, CONGRATS! You get an A+! If you are on the fence: do me a favor and DON’T GO THERE. Your elementary school-aged child is *probably* not so into music that he or she needs a few hundred of his favorite songs in one place. And he or she DEFINITELY does not need a portable device with an internet connection. Hello, safety anyone? They don’t need a Facebook or an Instagram, either. And for the LOVE OF ALL THAT’S HOLY, 3rd graders do NOT need to Face Time with their friends!!

Yes, I realize these devices can be used for good purposes…I let my big kids use my iPad regularly. To play games, do math homework, study for spelling tests – absolutely. We used the HECK out of my iPad to help Sophie with her speech therapy and we will do so with Jonah when he is old enough.

(And for the record I will say iPads are better for kids, but I still think it’s wisest for the parent to be the owner. I know there are some kids who will make a great exception to this rule. None of these children are mine. They would destroy it if it were theirs.)

But using an iPod to message friends (or *eek* who knows who??) via Facebook, FaceTime, iMessage, or any other app available? Hay-ell no! It’s just not safe OR a good use of their time. Again, I am talking about elementary-age students. 

Additionally, an iPod Touch is expensive and easy to lose or break. REALLY easy – and not cheap to replace. It’s too tiny and pricey for a small child to be responsible for. With the way Sophie treats the used Nintendo DS we got her on Craigslist, I SHUDDER to think of what she’d do to an iPod Touch.

So there ya go people, don’t buy your babies and primary school kids digital toys this Christmas…buy them ACTUAL TOYS.

Or I will personally send Rudolph to take a dump in your stocking!

Happy Holidays!

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14 Replies to “Jenny’s Life Klass: What NOT to get your kid for Christmas, technology edition”

  1. Do fourth graders need to Facetime with their friends while they have actual real live friends over at their house? I just need to clear this up.

  2. I was appalled when I found out the 2 and 3 year olds I was babysitting both got ipods for Christmas. Yes, they were 2 and 3 at the time.

    1. Amen about the iPod Touch. My daughter is nine and we decided to get her the Nano. It doesn’t have the Internet and is half the price. This is the only thing besides a pair of pjs she is getting. I just don’t understand why parents give in so easilly to buying the most expensive things that are trends (Uggs, Touch, etc.) I can’t believe they sell those other devices (the potty chair…the bouncy??????). Good Lord we will be zombies.

  3. What? Those first 2 things actually exist? I really thought they were both jokes. This is appalling. Not to mention the iPad would probably fall off and conk your baby on the head.

  4. I agree, and yet, I seriously considered Item 2 for my own darling. Unfortunately, as it did not come with a leather seatbelt to strap her on the durn thing, it was impractical. 🙂

  5. I do not believe those top two things exist. No, I really don’t. I think you’ve been secretly honing your photoshop skillz and YOU MADE THEM UP. Because I don’t think my brain can handle the thought that these things are real. I. Just. Can’t.

    As for my kiddo, she’s getting my old, disconnected cell phone with about 6 apps. And a chipped hot pink case. Because that’s how we roll here. (Also? She will be THRILLED with an old, non-working cell phone. She actually was counting down the days until we could upgrade to new phones because she knows she gets to play with our old ones.)

  6. Ummm…wow.

    My 7 yr old is getting an MP3 player. It is about $40. I’m nervous about her breaking that. I don’t have an iProducts so she certainly isn’t getting one.

    1. My 7 year old is getting my portable CD player that I bought back in high school circa 19*ahem*, nevermind, for Christmas. But it’s all good cause that thing has got (cutting edge) 20 second anti-skip technology. BOO-YAAA to all the other kids in 1st grade!!!

      1. Ahhhh man…I had one of those back before I had car seats (and a CD player) in my car. Used to park that baby on the passenger seat so I could jam to my Bon Jovi CDs. Your 1st grader will be the envy of all with that anti-skip technology! I have no way to play a CD outside of my car anymore and it makes me and my box of 300+ CDs very sad.

  7. I’ll admit it – we got our 4 year old an iPod Touch last year. Her hand-me-down iPod that she uses daily had finally given its last breath and it was more cost effective to get the Touch. She doesn’t FaceTime or message with friends but she does with her grandparents and aunts/uncles who live states away. Its been a great way for her to stay in touch with them, send them pictures, etc. She doesn’t have access to the web, YouTube or pretty much anything but that without my passcode.

    Feel free to judge me – I would have too!! 🙂

  8. My daughter got an iPod Nano for her last birthday when she was 7 that we picked up used at a pawn shop for about $35. And she was THRILLED. She still is, actually.
    She spends enough time with her face in a screen that she certainly doesn’t need me financing anymore. On the other hand, I gladly buy her more teeny rubberbands for her Rainbow Loom to make more bracelets than any person could actually wear because it actually fuels her creativity!

  9. Agree with #1-2. That chair thing reminds me of the chairs with screens in Wall-E. Mostly agree with #3. My 7 year old has her brother’s handed down iPod. She texts her grandparents and my brother and listens to music on it. She thinks she’s a super cool big kid. The grandparents and uncle all think it’s great to hear from her and get pics of our cat at random times of the day. She doesn’t have free internet reign or a FB account, though. Yikes, that would be scary! I have seen kids as young as 5 with iPhones. Not playing with Mom’s, it was their own ‘for games’. WHAT?

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