Losing My Religion

Ok, I’ve been a stay-at-home mom for exactly 26 days, and already I have undergone a huge change in my core values. Somehow, without my noticing, I repented of my sin of vanity and became a worshipper at the Cathedral of Our Lady of the Perpetual Ponytail. Don’t worry Mom, I still worship at my local church on Sundays, but I am also faithful to attend services at OLPP the other six days of the week. Allright, FINE, I’m there on Sundays TOO. Seriously, people. I think I have only worn my hair down twice in the last 26 days. I mean, I know it’s summer and all but the real reason I twist that black elastic circle around the hair I used to flip so faithfully is because I have chosen to sacrifice my appearance for the greater good of say, getting out the door on time, or feeding the children. The kids get me up early and apparently I am not devoted enough to get out of bed in time to worship at Our Lady of the Beatific Blowout. I’m afraid my makeup applications have also gotten fewer and further between, and I sometimes go all day without looking in a mirror! Yikes! Will I ever return to my coiffed, mascara-ed self? Sure, sure, I’ll get around to it…I don’t have a problem… I can quit this ponytail nonsense anytime I want!

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Rewind….10/27/05 Baby-gina


Kate’s 18-month check-up was on Tuesday, and the doctor said she needed a little medicine on her girl parts because of the remains of her UTI. So we got the prescription filled yesterday, and when we got home Andy looked at the directions for the medicine. It came in a box with a tube of med, a 66-page booklet of directions, and a plunger. That’s right, a plunger, just like one that would come with, say, Monistat 7. So Andy’s reading the directions about how to fill the plunger and where to put it, and I was like, “That thing can NOT fit in there” as the color quickly drained from Andy’s face. So then he looked at the directions from the doctor, and it said just to put a little bit on the outside of her girl parts. Andy nearly passed out from relief. It was pretty humorous.


OH MY Gosh I was literally about to cry before you got to the part where you DIDN’T have to stick that thing up Kate’s baby-gina! Praise Jesus! A parent should just never have to do that!! I am also glad you discovered that before Andy hit the floor. In other toddler doctor’s appointment news, Joshua really “enjoyed” his flu shot today and also, as usual, getting his temp taken rectally. They are old-school at his dr’s office! I wanted to give Joshua some Motrin when we got home, to fend off any soreness from the vaccine, and he was by the front door, and he saw me take the Motrin off the mantle, and he goes “Oh! Medsin!” and booked it over to me and practically started climbing up my leg! So congrats to the makers of children’s Motrin on their flavoring! Apparently it’s exrtreeeeeemely tasty. I’ll have to watch and make sure he’s not faking any flu shot reaction symptoms just to get him so mo’ Mo’ (that’s the street name for Motrin, in case you didn’t know.)

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It’s like the Bible…. except you use it more.

A long, long time ago, around the turn of the century, my now-husband proposed. It was wonderful, we were excited about getting married, yada yada yada. Then we realized we didn’t know how to plan a wedding.

So what did I do? Since I am a giant dork, I trotted off to the bookstore. It was there that I picked up the first in a series of books that would help me in my quest to pretend to be an adult. The magic book? “Bridal Bargains” by Denise and Alan Fields. Not only did this handy book help me save money, as the title indicates, but it told me what was important when choosing venues and vendors and all sorts of fabulous things.

Fast forward a few years to when I saw two lines on the ol’ pregnancy test. I, of course, didn’t know the first thing about parenting, so what did I do? Headed to the bookstore, of course. I told you I was a dork. Imagine my glee when I discovered that the Fields had written another book, this one titled “Baby Bargains.” Their product reviews and advice on what is needed (car seat) and what is not (wipe warmer) were invaluable to me. The best part? The night I sat with “Baby Bargains” on my lap and Amazon user reviews on my computer screen for three hours crying because I could not figure out which of the 924 strollers to purchase, I finally emailed the Fields through their website, desperate for help. Sure enough, they quickly emailed me back and said “Buy this one.” Ok, that’s paraphrasing, but you get the idea. Since then I’ve emailed them more than once and they’ve always sent a very prompt and helpful response.

Then along comes Kate… born without an instruction manual tied to her arm. Good thing Denise Fields paired up with pediatrician Dr. Ari Brown to write “Baby 411.” Everything you need to know about babies in paragraphs short enough for new mothers who, if they are like I was, have the attention span of a gnat. When to call the doctor, how to swaddle your baby tighter than a burrito, getting the baby to sleep – this book has it all. Jenny and I both give “Baby 411” as a gift at every baby shower we attend. I often inscribe it with “This book is the only reason Kate lived to be a year old. Enjoy.”

An avid fan of these books (in case you couldn’t tell), I waited with bated breath for “Toddler Bargains” and “Toddler 411” to come out. They didn’t disappoint. I still refer to both of these frequently. Kate got sick once when we were on vacation, so I immediately called Jenny and had her read me what “Toddler 411” had to say about fevers. Now I don’t leave home without it.

If you don’t have the complete set, click here to buy one of each. Seriously. Do no pass go, do not collect $200. Buy them now.

I just hope that they are busy working on “School Kid 411” and “Teenager 411” as we speak.

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