Good news, my friends! Sophia Diane is going to be a gold medalist in either Olympic diving or gymnastics in about 16 years. Let’s hope these athletic accomplishments also come with lots of paid endorsements after the fact because she is going to need a lot of money to keep her mother in a very plush, ritzy, padded LOONEY BIN. I mean, she is definitely going to send me to the looney bin so I really want it to be a nice one. I received this vision of her future just this morning and I am quite certain of its accuracy. Let me set the scene for you!
I was running a bath for the kids, when the running water made me have to go tinkle. So, I sat on the toilet as one does in this situation. Sophia, meanwhile, was holding onto the side of the tub with one hand, leaning forward to stick her hand in the running water. Then, all of a sudden, she decided this was BORING and she VAULTED herself into the bathtub. When I say vaulted, I mean, she pushed herself off the side of the tub with both hands and FLIPPED into the bathtub. How? I have NO IDEA, so it must just be innate talent. Whether she will apply said talent to Olympic diving or Olympic gymnastic remains to be seen.
I let out a screech and jumped up off the pot. Adrenaline must’ve stopped my bladder, thank God, so I didn’t pee all over myself. I leapt over to the tub and found Sophie sitting up, fully clothed (including shoes), soaking wet, and very pleased with herself! She was very displeased with me when I pulled her out of the tub and began thrashing and wailing, and getting me soaked. I quickly stripped her and put her back in the tub. Then I got out my flask of brandy to soothe my nerves. JUST kidding. I ate three Hershey bars. JUST kidding again, but if I HAD three Hershey bars I totally would’ve pounded them down in quick succession!!!
She’s CRAZY!
Sophie, when you are reading this years from now, remember that Mommy carried you for nine months and nursed you for infinity (because you are never going to let me wean you) and that she wants a very nice, cozy, luxurious, lavish, over-the-top suite at the ritziest LOONEY BIN around!
Now GO FOR THE GOLD, baby girl! Your official training starts the day after New Year’s. We’ve got to get an edge on the competition!
