Read this book. Now.

Let’s make this short and sweet: Go buy this book, read it, thank me later.

Ok ok, you know I can’t leave it at that.

You may remember a couple weeks ago when Jenny and I were at the Mom 2.0 Summit in Miami. I think we might have mentioned it.

You may also remember that as we were standing outside the hotel waiting to go to the Versace Mansion, we just so happened to be standing in the presence of greatness right by Jenny Lawson. The Bloggess. Who totally wrote the funniest book in the history of the world (see above).

Jenny (my Jenny, not the awesome Jenny.) and I were all “OMGgggggggggg, it’s the Bloggess!!!” and I was all “Quick, take my picture!”

Which is how we wound up with this classic piece of photography.

But then, since Rachel is a normal person and all, she was like “Hi I’m Rachel, could we get our picture taken with you?” And so we got another picture with the Bloggess, this time like normal people.

I am really getting away from the point here, people. The point is, this book is freaking hilarious.

Last night I was in bed reading a chapter about Jenny (not my Jenny, the awesome Jenny.) OD’ing on laxatives, and I was cracking up and making such a racket that Andy came running into our room to see what in the holy hell was going on. He said he thought there was an intruder murdering me or something, which is ironic since a good portion of the book is dedicated to the possibility of being attacked by things like zombie cougars.

In other news, I must have a really pleasant laugh.

Seriously, though, I haven’t laughed like that since I saw my own life portrayed on the big screen in the movie “I Love You, Man.

I am pretty sure this book will out-sell the Bible.

Go buy it. You can thank me later.

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Holding on and letting go.

While I was away last weekend, I thought I might wean Jonah, but I was on the fence about it.  Cold turkey isn’t really the way I like to do things, but he’s almost 17 months old, and the problem is, the child won’t leave me alone for two seconds.  Like his sister before him, he wants to nurse whenever he wants to nurse, as often as he wants to nurse.  And I’d like him to nurse two or three times a day at most.  All attempts to pare down the nursing had gone, let’s see…how shall I put this?  The opposite of well.   I don’t really want to be nursing a two-year-old again, like I did with Sophie.  So I went to Miami armed with a breast pump to give myself relief, but I left Jonah at home with Daddy and some bottles and cups of whole milk.  I thought, “We’ll see what happens.  Maybe when I get home, he will just be done.”

Ha ha, hilarious.  While I was gone, Jonah did not forget his love of nursing.  When we arrived home from the airport last Sunday, he immediately started trying to nurse.  He was going crazy, fussing and flailing.  I decided to have Bobby make him a bottle, and see if he would take the bottle from me.  So Bobby handed me a bottle, and after a brief protest, Jonah started taking it.   I held him while he slurped that milk down greedily

It was the first time I have ever given my baby boy a bottle.

It pretty much ripped me apart.  I don’t know why, but I was not expecting it to hurt like it did.

As I held him, and he held his bottle, I began to cry, then shake with sobs.  Hot tears rolled rapidly down my face and splashed onto Jonah’s plump baby cheeks.  He reached one hand up, like he does when he’s nursing, and played with my ear while I snuggled him close and cried.

I guess I wasn’t ready.

Later that day, I did nurse him at his nap time.  I felt relief as he nursed and cuddled me, relief that I could still have this if I wanted it, if Jonah needed it. That my trip out of town hadn’t taken this closeness away. I discovered I wanted to hold on just a little bit longer.  He is my last baby, after all.  I just don’t think cold turkey is going to cut it, for either of us.

By the end of the evening I’d decided that since Jonah will take a bottle from me (but not, as I’ve since discovered, a cup in lieu of nursing), that I am going to cut back significantly on nursing and get the weaning process jump-started.  This week I’ve only been nursing him in the mornings when he wakes, with two or three exceptions when he just wore me down. Most of the time he will take the bottle from me, but a few times he has just been adamant about nursing even after a bottle.  For the most part, it is going well – better than I expected.  I feel like, for the moment, we are both in a good place with this.

I’m thinking about one more month of nursing.  I can already tell my milk supply has dropped, and he’ll be eighteen months then.  I’ve got some health-related things to take care and I’d like to be done nursing sooner than later to work on those.  So, we’re getting there. It’s nice to have a weaning plan, and it’s nice to be the one in charge of the plan.

As much as it will be nice to not be on a tether anymore, I know I will miss it.  My baby is so sweet when he nurses each morning.  And I do love him so.

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Hell froze over and whatnot.

So remember that time Jenny told me I shouldn’t get a dog?

She was totally right.

However, against my better judgment, we did it anyway.

A few weeks ago, we brought a dog home from a shelter. Have you ever tried adopting a dog from a shelter? I am fairly certain we could have brought a kid home from Rwanda with less scrutiny. Anyway, after we convinced them we weren’t Michael Vick wannabes, we brought home a dog whose name (at the time) was Yonkers. He had been adopted from the shelter as a puppy and was in a home for five years, but his owners got smart had kids and couldn’t care for him anymore, so he wound up back at the shelter. So anyway, this was the only dog we had come across that we all felt remotely comfortable with (and by “remotely,” I mean not 100% opposed. And by “we,” I mean me.), in no small part because he was not a puppy. I am not a complete idiot – I drew the line at bringing anything into our house that wasn’t sleeping through the night and potty-trained. Because really – that ship has sailed.

So.

The shelter’s policy is that interested parties bring a dog home for a week-long “home visit” before making the adoption final. (See also: Rwandan child.) I held out the slightest bit of hope that a week would be long enough for all of us to realize that we didn’t need a dog.

I was wrong.

I realized it. The rest of my family, not so much.

But let me back up. The night Andy brought him home from the shelter, it was a Friday and the kids and I were in my bed watching television. Andy and the dog got home, and the dog’s first course of action was to tear through the house and jump up on our bed. I was not amused. Then he proceeded to bark the entire night. Kate, the girl who flips out when she can hear crickets chirping when she’s trying to sleep, was hysterical. She wanted the dog to be gone, and I quote – “Mommy was right. We aren’t ready for a dog.” I was gleefully chanting “I told you so!” in my head and picturing returning the purchase the next day.

Unfortunately, it didn’t last – the next morning she was in love with the damn thing.

I, however, was not.

Since Andy and the dog had gotten home late the night before, Andy had put the dog’s crate (which was gianormous, btw) in the kitchen. I came out to make the kids breakfast and the kitchen table had been moved to the side to make room for the crate, there were dog treats on the counter and leashes and toys strewn across the floor. I felt like the dog had taken over our entire home. Our house suddenly felt three times smaller, and the dog suddenly seemed three times bigger than I remembered. Later, Andy found me in the shower, sobbing. I just felt like our lives had been turned upside down – and I had liked our lives quite well just as they were.

Mid-morning, I took Kate to a birthday party for like 7 hours. It was so long I wanted to shoot myself. But being there felt like a better alternative than being at home with the dog – I was utterly convinced I would never want to be at our house again, especially alone. That thought was devastating to me.

After the party, I took Kate to the mall to kill some more time. When we did eventually get home, I discovered that Andy had spent the whole time getting our house back to normal. He moved the crate and all the paraphernalia to the basement and cleaned the entire house. It felt like home again and it was such a relief to me. He is a nice guy.

So anyway, after the initial shock wore off, things got better… but the conclusion I came to was that I just didn’t like having a dog in our house. It wasn’t about that dog in particular – all and all he’s a pretty good dog, and Andy and Kate had absolutely kept up their end of the bargain in terms of caring for him. It just felt like an intrusion.

To me, anyway. Everyone else – including Sam, who had been completely afraid of dogs a week before – loved having him around.

So, our week came to a close and we had to make a decision. It was not easy. I agonized over it, but after a long conversation with my dad, I decided that I would take one for the team.

We are now dog owners.

While I am still not overjoyed about this change in our life, I am trying to come around. I have decided that at this point, it’s in no one’s best interest for me to be angry and resentful. The dog is here to stay, and I need to make the best out of it. That’s what’s best for all of us.

So, readers, meet Siggy.

On the bright side, at least I’ll have something to blog about.

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