Paging Dr. Emily

Since we found out about Jenny’s impending c-section, we’ve been joking about how I could be the one to tie her tubes. (Don’t ask me why. And you already knew we were weird.), so when she posted yesterday about how she pretty much can’t wait for that to happen, I commented that she left out one important detail – that I would be performing the procedure.

Which lead us to have this conversation via IM (and since we think we are hilarious, we’re posting it):

Emily says:
did you like my comment on your post?
Jenny says:
yes, we really do need to explore that option!
Emily says:
i mean really, i’m pretty sure we’d be the most famous bloggers ever if I could get bobby to hold the video camera while I tied your tubes.
Jenny says:
that is sooo bad!! no offense but could you take a crash course first?
Emily says:
sure. I will find a youtube video.
Jenny says:
oh Lord! are you cool with blood? i don’t want you passing out before you finish the job!
Emily says:
hmm… I don’t know. I’ve never really been presented with a sliced-open body part before. But there’s only one way to find out.
Jenny says:
can you like do some experiements in a lab or something?
Emily says:
good idea. maybe i can take a summer sprint course in tube tying
how hard could it be?
Jenny says:
seriously you can tie a knot, right?
Emily says:
I’ve been tying my shoes for years.
Jenny says:
innards, shoestrings, its all the same
Emily says:
totes

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Top Ten Tuesday: My favorite Google search terms.

Taking a look at what search terms lead people to this site is always amusing. For some reason, most of our traffic doesn’t come from searches like “entertaining mom blog” or “hilarious blogging cousins” (I know, can you believe it?)… it comes more from things like “she looks so natural casket.”

True story.

Anyway, I always like an excuse to link up to Oh Amanda’s Top Ten Tuesday, so here are my top ten favorite search terms that have recently landed people on our little blog. Here we go.

10. “April fool‘s kids fake strawberry cake.” Cake is not a joking matter!

9. “Baby peanut butter poo.” I can’t figure out which post this lead to, but I am 100% sure it was written by Jenny. (edited to add – I just figured it out, and of course it led to this post by the one and only Jenny Rapson.)

8. “Babywearing hemmroids.” Two words – spell check! Also, do you suppose that person meant that a baby was wearing hemorrhoids or that baby-wearing causes hemorrhoids? I recommend Motrin. Heh.

7. “Matching easter dresses for moms and daughters” and “sexy easter dresses.” Frankly, I’m not sure which one is more disturbing.

6. “How to answere the question biblically on how babies get into the mommy;s tummy.” Again, spell check, people! And secondly? Don’t come to us for sex ed.

5. “I accidentally hit my dog and he suddenly pukes.” Sounds like a serious problem. Maybe he was involved in this other search term – “Girls ipecac puke party.”

4. “Figure skating crotch hand,” “female olympic figure skaters crotch photos” and numerous other variations of the same idea drew a lot of people here. Something tells me my post wasn’t what they were hoping to find.

3. “Birth control makes me rage,” “birth control pills anger,” “birth control pills make me crazy,” and “the pill made me fat.” All of the above.

2. The most popular topic of the week – unfriending. “Why are people unfriending me on facebook,” “my child unfriended me on facebook,” “can my sibling unfriend me on facebook,” “should i unfriend relatives on facebook,” “how to handle in-law friend requests on fb,” and “can i unfriend my mother in law from facebook,” which was obviously searched by the same person who later searched for “facebook unfriending repercussions.”

And finally…

1. “Poop pants wii bowling.” Jenny, I’m going to let you take that one.

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A 10-Month-Long April Fools Day Joke

April 1, 2009 was a very exciting day for me. In the middle of the afternoon, I was sitting at my desk minding my own business when suddenly I got an email from Maria Bailey inviting me to the Magical Moms Mixer at Walt Disney World. Needless to say, I about fell out of my chair from excitement.

Later that day, my husband called to tell me our friend Leah heard my name on a local radio station, and that I had won a contest and got to have lunch with Nick Lachey. I immediately called Leah to verify that she and Andy weren’t trying to play some kind of sick April Fools Day joke on me – they knew my BFF Jess and I had been entering the contest on a daily basis, and I was not about to believe them without proof. But sure enough, when I got home there was a message from a local radio personality telling me that I had in fact won the contest. Again, I about fell out of my chair from excitement. I was going to have lunch with Nick Lachey, and I could bring a friend! Awesome!!

This was the luckiest day of my life! News of an incredible trip to Disney and lunch with a super hot famous celebrity all in one day?? Amazing!

But can you guess what the difference was between those two things? I actually went to Disney. Lunch? Not so much.

A few days before the lunch was scheduled, I got another call from the radio station – this time saying that Nick had a “conflict” and the lunch would have to be postponed. Postponed. That is the key word here. Jess and I were so disappointed, but we were hopeful that they’d reschedule and we’d still get to have our lunch. So we waited.

And waited.

And waited.

Every couple of months I’d get word from the station that they were trying to work something out with Nick and his people, and we held out hope. Surely it would happen – Nick is from our area and he’s here often doing very important things like dress up like an elf on Cincinnati Bell commercials – we were confident he’d make time for us. He even sent me a lovely autographed picture to apologize for the delay.

However, yesterday, nearly a year after the big news, I got an email saying this:
Despite his numerous recent local appearances around the area for charities or sponsors, he never made it here to make up our event. Every time he came into town, we reached out to his people to work it out. Up until about two weeks ago, we were still being told to remain hopeful. Two weeks ago, we were informed that he was dropped from his record label and at that point, we knew this opportunity has passed.

I then had the unfortunate job of passing the word on to Jess. I forwarded the message with the subject “Sad news – prepare yourself.”

I feel it’s appropriate to express my disappointment to Nick, so I’m thinking of sending him this letter.

Dear Nick,

My BFF Jess and I have been loyal fans of yours for a long time. We watched “Newlyweds” religiously. Jess even has the complete set of DVDs. I’ll never forget the Thanksgiving day when I received a voicemail from her that said, “Em, I had to call you because I wanted you to hear this from me. Nick and Jessica are officially breaking up.” It was a sad day.

When we thought we were going to have lunch with you, we were thrilled. We were sure we’d totally hit it off with you and we’d be BFF – or at least Facebook friends – with you, too. Because, you know, we have a lot in common with you. You’re from Ohio. We’re from Ohio. You attended Miami University. We graduated from Miami University. (But we’ve never been members of a flash-in-the-pan boy band, though, so don’t feel bad.) It was going to be a great day!

But by putting us off for 10 months and finally telling us where to go, you ruined it, and you ruined our opinion of you while you were at it.

So, Nick, next time you’re sitting next to Pete Rose signing autographs at the Cincinnati Boat and RV show, Jess and I aren’t coming.

So there.

Love,
Emily

nick lachey

*******
Edited: November 21, 2012. Oh hi! If you’ve stumbled upon this post for some reason, make sure to go read THIS post for an update – as it turns out, we did have a chance to meet Nick, and he was spectacularly nice. I totally take back all the not-so-nice things I said about him in this post, but I’m leaving it up here because it’s a good back story for our eventual meeting. And, let’s face it, it’s funny.

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