Category: Orthodontia

So, here we are. Tomorrow, I go through puberty get braces.

Jenny offered to go with me and live-tweet the whole thing, but I politely declined. Now that I think about it, though, she let me do that while she was having a c-section, so I probably should have returned the favor.

Anyway… It’s been a long two and a half months of wearing my lovely Frankel device, and while it’s gotten much better than it was (in terms of how it feels, not so much in terms of how it looks. Which is still awful.), I am ready to get moving on the next step.

I left the orthodontist a couple weeks ago with rubber bands between my back teeth (which has been a blast, let me tell you) and a purse full of instructions on how to brush my teeth (17 times a day), what to not eat (to paraphrase: everything), and advice on mainlining painkillers for the next 18 months.

And, now that I’m reviewing the literature, a stern warning about something called Lingual Arches potentially becoming embedded into my gums.

This is going to be awesome.

So I’ve read all the materials from my orthodontist, and I even watched their instructional YouTube videos. But I want the real scoop.

What do I need to know about having braces? What are the foods I should for sure avoid? Or, more importantly, what foods will I be able to actually eat?

Should I plan to come back to work after having them put on tomorrow, or will I want to just go home?

I would appreciate any tips, tricks or advice you have!

So. Today marks two weeks since I’ve been wearing this monstrosity.

And I’ve got to say – it’s worse than I thought.

Aunt Diane, you’ve seen me in person – it’s worse than you thought, too. Am I right?

It hurt like crazy for the first week. I had sores all over my gums, my tongue was cut to pieces, it was just awful. It has gotten better pain-wise. Quite a bit, in fact. But I’ve still gotten up in the middle of the night the last two nights to take it out.

The worst thing, though, is that I can’t talk. Again, that’s gotten better, but I still talk like I’ve got a giant wad of plastic and metal in my mouth. Because I DO. It’s pretty embarrassing.

And speaking of embarrassing, there’s also the way it looks. Which is awful. It looks like I’ve got a giant wad of plastic and metal in my mouth. Oh wait.

In the grand scheme of things, this is not a big deal. It’s a short-term problem, and theoretically it’ll be better in the long run.

And, for what it’s worth, I went to the gym on Friday and I actually think this ridiculous thing helped me breathe better. Who knows. I may become a runner yet.

But I doubt it.

Well… Tuesday I got my Frankel device.

It’s worse than I thought it was going to be.

I can’t talk, I can’t eat, I can’t laugh, I can’t sneeze. I look ridiculous.

And it hurts like a mofo.

Allow me to demonstrate.

Part A there sits on the outside of my lower gums. That part might hurt the worst, and it makes my lower lip puff out like a boxer with a mouth guard. Part B is in front of my top front teeth. Part C sits behind my lower teeth, and it really wouldn’t be too bad if it hadn’t had a sharp edge on it the first day I had it. While that problem was solved with a nail file, it cut the heck out of my tongue the first few hours I was wearing this thing and is still sore. Part D goes all the way to the roof of my mouth. Parts C and D combine to make a circle through which my tongue can fit. That is, until it gets blocked by Part B. Finally, Part E is on the outside of my gums and makes my face stick out way too wide.

Between this contraption and the blood vessel in my eye that decided to bust on Sunday morning, I am LOOKING GOOD, let me tell you.

I woke up in the middle of the night thinking I had one of those metal Easter egg dippers in my mouth.

Which, come to think of it, may have served the same purpose and been a WHOLE LOT CHEAPER.

Please send wine. And also a straw.