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Yeah, that’s what I heard from Kate the other day. Then she went on to theorize that “all the milk” must be stored in my stomach, thus causing the extra flab.

If only.

Sam’s eight weeks old and I’m still holding on to about 13 pounds of “baby” weight. I think what I’m actually harboring would more aptly be called “McDonald’s cheeseburger weight,” but the former sounds better.

Two weeks ago, I started Weight Watchers. The first week was great – I lost five pounds. Today was my weigh in, and this week I only lost one. Better than nothing, but barely. I don’t know if I can really say that I’m doing WW, because I haven’t actually joined. I joined up last August, and about two weeks later I found out I was pregnant. After innocently asking the Weight Watchers message board people if I could use WW as a way to limit pregnancy weight gain, I was told all kinds of nice things like “Ask your OB if that’s ok – that should be a red flag to her signaling your eating disorder,” so I gave that plan up. Anyway, I’ve just been using the materials I got from that short stint to count points this time around.

So… I need some advice! Have any of you done WW while nursing? I am loving the extra points, but I am wondering if I would be more successful if I only added five extra instead of 10. Because I want to lose weight faster. (I know, I know, it’s better to lose it slowly… but I don’t want to!) Also, anyone have an opinion on continuing to do it myself, or on going to meetings vs. the online program? Any exercise programs that you swear by? I am all ears! Or all stomach, as the case may be. Because apparently I was not all baby!

But sadly, she will NEVER be as old as me. Nevertheless, I will try not to be bitter when I say, Happy 29th Birthday Emily!! Here’s a picture my mom dug up for me of Emily the day her parents brought her home from the hospital:

Aww, wasn’t she cute? Ok, you can’t tell too much cause it’s a REALLY OLD picture, but I am sure she was adorable. Well, Em, as you know, this is your last year of your twenties. And as a wise old one who’s gone before, I’d like to give you some advice on how to spend this last year of your youth. So here are five things I think you should do before thirty! Because except for that wild night you had with that English Bulldog, I don’t think you’ve had enough fun in your life! It’s time to quit being responsible and start getting crazy!

1) Take pole-dancing lessons. You weren’t nearly slutty enough as a young woman, so I think you should fork out a bunch of dough to have a Cougar teach you how to be!! It’s never too late to get in touch with your inner hoochie!

2) Go skydiving! Because who doesn’t want to be so scared that they pee all over themselves at 15,000 feet?

3) Take the mad skillz you got from # 1 and rock MTV’s Spring Break! Do it or you’ll regret never sleeping on the floor of a vomit-soaked hotel room with 20 other people for the REST OF YOUR LIFE!

4) Try out for American Idol. You are selling yourself, the music industry, and ALL of America short!! My fan poster will read “I HEART EM-IDOL-Y”

5) Sell your car and buy a Harley. You would look super-HAWT all clad in leather. Just don’t forget the chaps and the giant helmet! You haven’t LIVED until you’ve nearly killed yourself and every motorist nearby just showing off how loud your HOG is!

Well, there’s your to-do list, cousin. I’ll give you your birthday to relax and then I expect you to hop to it!! Times a -wastin’!! Only 365 more days until you hit the big 3-0!!

This weekend, I had the privilege of servings as a bridesmaid in my friend Megan’s wedding. It was beautiful, and I was very honored to stand up there with her, and touched that she asked me to do so.

But, I kind of hope it’s the last time I have to do that. You see, I’m thirty years old, and I have been a bridesmaid ten times. TEN times!! So, I think it’s ok to want to retire my colorful shoes and strapless bra. I’ve had a long and illustrious career as a bridesmaid and it’s time to let someone else have a turn.

However, I thought it’d be fun to try and remember some details from all the many weddings I’ve been in. I wish I had pics but sadly, since I am ancient, many of these were BEFORE the digital age. But since my mind is like a steel trap, I can remember the dress colors I wore, in chronological order: royal blue, navy blue, teal, lavender, baby blue, hunter green, sage green, sage green (again), red, and red (again).

The first few weddings I was in were family weddings, starting when I was 15. Summer ’93, my cousin Amy, royal blue dress, scary groomsman I wouldn’t dance with at the reception (only marriage no longer intact). Summer ’94, my brother Charles’ wedding – beautiful, I cried buckets. Summer ’95, my brother Andy’s wedding, also beautiful, also cried buckets! I really love my sisters-in-law but I was sad to let go of my big brothers (even though they are nerdy and annoying.)

I had a little bridesmaid break until summer ’98 when my friend Sarah from high school got married. Her wedding was unique – it was the only morning wedding I have ever been in and the only wedding I’ve ever worn gloves in as a bridesmaid. Also, another bridesmaid and I sang a duet. In French. And I had to do my own hair because the wedding was at 10:30 and seriously who can get a hair appointment when you have to BE at the church at 9?? The results were marginal at best. Good thing no one was looking at me, but at the beautiful, beautiful bride! She was breathtaking.

The next summer, two of my best childhood friends got married within a month of each other. By this time I was engaged myself and really excited about all things wedding. So I had a lot of fun being maid of honor in my friend Erin’s wedding, and then bridesmaid a month later at my friend Lori’s wedding (the same Lori I went CVSing with a few weeks ago!) I have known these ladies since I was three years old so it was really special to be in their weddings and I am so glad we are still friends!

In 2000, I got married, and the only wedding I was in was my own! Then in ’01, I was in Emily’s wedding!! Hers was the first of the sage green dresses. My favorite memory of Em’s wedding was before we went into the reception hall, I could see she was a bit disturbed, and I was like, “Are you ok?” and she took a deep breath and said, “I just want everything to be organized.” She swears she has no memory of this. But for some reason it made me giggle. I also have fond memories of shoving her feet into her shoes for her, since she already had her dress on and couldn’t really do it herself. That’s a good bridesmaid for ya! A few weeks later, I donned another sage green dress (first and only two-piece – very enjoyable!) for my friend Kelly’s wedding. Kelly was my college roommate so it was very special to be in her wedding as well. I enjoyed teasing her mercilessly when she first got together with her husband when we were seniors in college. (Sorry, KP, but you made it so EASY!) Now they are getting ready to have their second baby!

I then had another long break from bridesmaid’s duties, until 2005, when I donned a red dress and crazy hairdo for my cousin Anna’s (Emily’s sister’s) wedding. The hairdo was crazy because my hair is very hard to put up, but I wanted to have it up, because the reception was outside and it was supposed to be (and was) 95 degrees. I thought my hair looked way too young, but I didn’t care because I didn’t want it to be dripping with sweat. And again, who cares what I look like when there is a beautiful bride heading down the aisle!?? Anna’s wedding was by far the most exciting wedding I have ever been in, as Melissa, another bridesmaid, passed out HARD right near the end of the wedding and smashed her face up and 911 had to be called. It was ka-razy! Then, at the reception, a guest went into diabetic shock and turned purple and 911 had to be called AGAIN. But since Emily & Anna live in a small town, the squad was still tied up with the bridesmaid, so the squad from a neighboring town had to be called. Thankfully, all turned out okay. But it was, uh, a little more exciting than Anna wanted it to be!

After Anna’s wedding, I thought I was done bridesmaiding. But then, after being out of touch with Megan for a few years, we were reunited two years ago. And then, she fell in love with her old friend Andy, and they got engaged. So, another red dress for me, and another beautiful wedding I was proud to be part of.

But seriously, dudettes. I am out. I’m not getting younger, prettier, or thinner, and I think in the next wedding I’ll be a bridesmaid past my prime. And really, who wants to see that? So let me retire the strapless bra while I’m still nursing and have some boobs to fill it out.

But ladies, thanks for the honors. I totally would’ve been pissed if you hadn’t asked me!