Mommin' It Up!

July 6, 2009

Groom & Gloom

The other day a friend and I were talking on the phone about someone whose personal hygiene was um, less than hygienic. “Why doesn’t she bathe?” I pondered. “I LOVE bathing!”

But I must admit that isn’t exactly true. I love being ABLE to bathe, but I am too lazy to actually say I love the process. In fact, as a girly girl who loves fashion and makeup, I am kind of a poser. Because although I do love stylish clothes and shiny lip gloss, I do not enjoy the process of grooming. I would rather skip the whole cleansing-moisturizing-dressing-hair styling process ’twere it a possibility. In fact I have decided that if I had a superpower, it would be the ability to snap my fingers or wiggle my nose and be perfectly dressed, coiffed, and made up.

I am slightly embarrassed to say that I didn’t think of this great idea for a superpower myself, but I saw it many years ago on an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer when Willow the witch was running late and waved her finger in the air and went from just-showered to fully-clothed in an instant. (Just for the record, in case some of you are praying for my soul right now, I don’t advocate witchcraft but Jesus and I have talked it over and even though I love Buffy I am quite certain my salvation is still intact.)

But anyhoo. When you are in the shower and you have two kids running around having “emergencies” while you still have shampoo in your hair (yesterday it was Joshua saying “Mama! Sophie fell off the bed!” and me saying, “Well, she must be ok because I don’t hear her crying.”) having the getting-ready superpower doesn’t sound so much witchy as it does divine.

But even so, I think I *might* just be willing to sell my soul in exchange for legs that would shave themselves!

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Photo by Nellee100 on Flickr

July 3, 2009

Recipe for Disaster

Want to have an insane weekend? Here’s what you do!

Take a seven-hour car ride with two kids. Add in a mom who is PMS’y and hormonal and irritable and has the period from he!!. Mix together in a small hotel room. Let cook for 72 hours… and voila! You have a freaking mess on your hands.

Or at least I do.

Happy 4th, everyone!

July 2, 2009

How Not to Parent on Your Kid’s Summer Vacation

Last week I introduced you to my hilarious Uncle Paul, after discovering that his witty comments on this here blog were getting some attention from the readers. To further demonstrate his grand sense of humor, let me fill you in on what he did last week for his 60th birthday. He went to the Lynyrd Skynyrd and Kid Rock show in Atlanta. By himself!

Of course Uncle Paul being Uncle Paul, he did not leave the show empty-handed. He came home with a camera full of pictures and a mouth full of witty observations about the crowd’s, um, behavior. UP has a whole facebook album full of pics from the show, but this is about the only one I felt I could show you. Check out these two klassy ladies from the great state of Tennessee (Alli, Jennifer, Jamie, do you know these gals?) dressed for the show:

Ok, not that bikini girl doesn’t have a better body than me, but remind me not to ever wear an outfit that puts my back fat rolls on display, mmkay?

ANYHOO – here are Uncle Paul’s comments on the show:

Ticket a gift, Parking $20, T shirt, $35.00, Water $4.00, Sprite $4.00, Soft Pretzel $5.00 – the experience – PRICELESS!

Crimes of fashion everywhere. From the start I felt overdressed, under tattooed and under pierced. It was butt crack halter top, ball cap, pierced navel, butt crack, ball cap, tube top as far as the eye could see.

I also now support the 18th amendment more than every before and suggest we reinstate it! So many drunks, so little time.

Ok, this is Jenny again. Here’s my favorite part and the whole point of this post. (Besides the point that my Uncle Paul is hilarious.) Apparently there were PARENTS (plural!) who thought it would be a good idea to take their little kids to a Lynyrd Skynyrd/Kid Rock show for some summer fun. Whaaa?? Did they stop at the strip club on the way home?? From Uncle Paul’s observations:

And the T shirts! I tried to get a picture of the 9 year old kid holding his mother’s beer while she was lighting her cigarette in front of the No Smoking sign, But I couldn’t sneak one. Oh yes, he was wearing a T-shirt that said “Kid Ma F#$%^%$ Rock! Yeah, I’d love to be in on that school conference.

Oh, and the father of three sitting next me who lit up a joint, and was surprised when the security guard told him he was sitting in the No Smoking section!!

The concert was great!

So remember parents, if you are an adult like Uncle Paul, feel free to wear your bikini and jeans shirts to a fun summer concert, but don’t take your kids, let them wear clothing with profanities, or make them hold your drinks.

And for heaven’s sake! Smoke your joints in private!

Happy summer everyone!