Last Friday I was at my laptop (shocker!) in our dining room and both the kids were in the room with me, Joshua coloring at the table and Sophia crawling around being mischievious. Eventually she wandered over to our window seat where I had my cell phone plugged into the charger and started going after it. I got up and walked over to her, said “No touch!” and redirected her attention to something else but she kept going back for it (stubborn little booger!) After about the fifth time, I picked her up, held her face close to my face, and said in a loud voice, “SOPHIE. NO. NO TOUCH!” Then I put her back down and redirected her attention (again). Joshua turned from his coloring, looked at me, and said, “Mama, I love you.”
“I love you too, baby.”
“Why don’t you love Sophie?” (He asks as he slowly pushes a knife straight into my heart.)
“(Horrified gasping noise!!!) Joshua, I love Sophie with all my heart!! Why do you think I don’t love her?” (I pulled the knife out of my heart and then picked up Sophie and hugged her tight to illustrate my point.)
“Because you yelled at her.”
“Baby sometimes I have to raise my voice to try and get you or Sophie to pay attention to me. I am just trying to keep you safe.”
“Oh.”
I wasn’t sure he understood so I took him over to the couch, sat with both kids and proceeded to explain how I would always love him no matter what, and that there was nothing he could ever do to make me not love him. I gave him hugs and kisses and tickles and tried to make us both feel better.
Then I tried to shake off the blanket of Mother’s Guilt that had come to rest heavily on my shoulders, and continued with my day. But that darn blanket is very linty, and I kept having to pick little pieces of guilt lint off of me for quite awhile.
