I don’t understand myself.

I don’t know what is wrong with me. I’m serious. Is there a mental-health (or lack thereof) term for making everything in the world AS DIFFICULT AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE??? If there is, I have it.

As you may recall from my last freak-out around Halloween, I somehow managed to volunteer myself to be a room mom for both Kate’s and Sam’s classes. The only responsibilities are to plan the holiday parties. I say “only” like it’s no big deal. And it probably isn’t, for normal people. People who, unlike me, don’t complicate things just for fun.

For starters, both the parties are at the exact same time. So that’s helpful. Fortunately Andy’s school day ends right before the parties start, so he’s taking one and I’m taking the other. Which is great. But the planning? All me.

I’ve managed to keep Kate’s party pretty simple, actually. It’s all games, no crafts. Fourth graders can do things like toss marshmallows into Dixie cups and other highly-skilled activities that kindergartners can’t. Which, now that I think about it, means I have done this all EXACTLY BACKWARDS. It would have made more sense to have that party be the complicated one, and keep the kindergarten one simple.

But no.

Sam’s teacher suggested I plan four stations and have the kids rotate between them. They’ve got a table for putting icing and sprinkles on sugar cookies, one for making hand-print Valentines (because kindergartners and painted hands is a GREAT IDEA), one for making heart-shaped suncatchers out of construction/tissue/contact paper, and one for making necklaces out of hearts, straws, beads, and yarn. I have no idea how long any of this is going to take, and I don’t know how many parent helpers I’m going to have. I predict this will not end well. And I blame pinterest.

So, I’ve been busy stuffing goody bags, buying supplies, and cutting crap out of construction paper. I have spreadsheets and Word documents and spray adhesive and hole punches coming out the wazoo. All in preparation for what is likely to be a complete disaster.

Next time, someone remind me to feed the kids chocolate and let them play duck duck goose until the bus comes to pick them up.

Let me also say that my hat is off to preschool and elementary school teachers, because planning these things has nearly been the death of me. I call them “parties” and consider them “special occasions.” The teachers call it “Friday.” Appreciation for the prep work that they do each and every day is not lost on me. It’s a good thing they get paid so much. Oh, wait.

So, um, anyway… Happy Valentine’s Day. And don’t forget to never volunteer to be a room mom.

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Viral Mother/Son Dance Video? No thanks.

Last week, another video spread like wildfire throughout social media. The video, titled “The Most Amazing Mother Son Wedding Dance EVER!!!!,” has nearly a million views.

If you haven’t seen it (and for some strange reason want to), here you go.

But here’s the thing.

Mother/Son wedding dances aren’t supposed to be amazing. They aren’t supposed to go viral. They aren’t supposed to be choreographed! They aren’t supposed to upstage the bride.

And for the love of all that is holy, they are not supposed to send a subliminal message from mother-in-law to hew newly-minted daughter-in-law with the songs “I Want You Back” and “Can’t Touch This.”

I’ll let you all ponder that one for a minute.

I just think the whole thing is wildly inappropriate, and I wish for the bride’s sake it had taken place before she had said her vows, so she knew exactly what she was getting herself into.

Listen, I am the mother of a son whom I love more than life itself. The bond between a boy and his mom? I get it. But, much like the promises I’ve made to Kate about not being an evil shrew when she picks out her wedding dress (and yes, she and I watch way too much “Say Yes to the Dress”), I am 100% confident in saying that that is something I will not do if and when Sam gets married. I just cannot conceive of how this woman thought that making her son’s wedding reception all about her was a good idea.

Narcissism with a dose of Oedipus complex thrown in for kicks. Gotta love it.

Don’t believe me? Check out this quote from the Daily Mail:

The video has now been viewed almost 800,000 and Kathy Bunker says she made a commitment to a producer from Ellen that she and her son would appear on the show.

I’m betting her son and his wife will make a commitment to appear on Divorce Court.

creepy mother son dance

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ISO – Your best internet safety tips for kids

Kate turns 10 in April, and we are considering giving her an iPod for her birthday. And by iPod, I mean my old iPhone in a new case. She’s been wanting one for a while, and since I just upgraded my phone and have a spare lying around, it seems like a good time.

I am a little nervous about it, though. I don’t exactly know why – she spends more time with my iPad than I do, mostly watching Netflix and YouTube videos about kids who got puppies for Christmas. But something about her having her own device, even if it’s closely monitored by Andy and me, seems a little bit different.

To be honest, I am not worried at all about the information she will seek out, but I am mostly worried about what she could potentially stumble upon inadvertently. I mean, we’ve all googled something and found something entirely different (for the record, if you’re looking to order soccer cleats, make sure to go to dickssportingoods.com – not the shortened version of that), and then there are all the horror stories we’ve heard about mean girls and “hot or not” contests and all sorts of nonsense.

So, obviously I want to stay out ahead of this stuff, but I don’t have a solid plan yet. One thing I do intend to use, though, is this contract I came across. It’s from imom.com (that link will take you to the site where you can download a PDF version of your very own).

iMOM Social Media Contract

It’s time for some intense interwebz research on this topic! But I’d also like to hear from you.

How do you monitor what your kids are doing online? What, if any, parental controls do you employ? What conversations do you have with your kids about it?

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