For the past few months I’ve been sharing on and off with you about my struggles with depression and anxiety. And I am happy to say, after months of tweaking meds and what-not, I am a lot better. I’m not totally the carefree girl that I was, I still have issues at certain times of the month, but I am much, much better, and I’ll take it.
One thing that still bugs me about myself – is it my “new normal” self, or did I used to be this way too? I can’t remember – is that I get so exasperated by the little things in life. Bad traffic makes my heart race and my temper flare. It’s all I can do to control myself with the kids in the car, to keep from yelling in frustration. When I am in the shower, and I hear the kids fussing and fighting, my head wants to explode. When Sophie defies me, I take it personally. When Joshua asks me questionafterquestionafterquestion, or asks me to do something when I am clearly already busy, it makes me insane.
But the other day, as I was looking in the bathroom mirror, putting product in my wet hair to try and encourage it’s lazy waves, and Sophie started screaming and fussing in from the other room, mad at her brother about something, and that exasperated vein in my forehead started to throb, I just took a deep breath and realized: I need to put on the big girl panties of motherhood. I have little children. This is what they do. Sure, they are often sweet and funny and they make my heart burst with pride, but they are also messy, tempestuous, and selfish. And every day with them will be exhausting but it will also be beautiful.
So.
I am all for being real. I am all for letting my feelings out – why pretend that something is perfect when it’s not? That would only serve to make me crazier. My kids make me crazy. Several times a day. But they also make me deliriously happy. And if having my cake and eating it too smacks of discontentment with my life, then I’ll just have it. Put it in front of me and I’ll stare at it maybe sniff the icing and take in its sugary scent, but I won’t have a bite. In fact, I’ll take mine without a fork. Just in case.
