Growing up I always wanted a big family. First I would say, “I want five or six kids.” I remember once when Bobby and I were talking about it early in our marriage and he said he thought two was a good number and I was horrified. Then I had one, and even though he was a pretty easy baby, I thought, ok, “I’d like three.”
Then I had a second, and she was, um, let’s say, difficult. Because I was violently ill for about the first 15 weeks of my pregnancy with her, I was already feeling before she was even born, that there was no way I could possibly go through that again. Still, when I was on the operating table after Sophie was born, when my doctor asked me if I wanted her to tie my tubes, I said no. Because I was 29, and I just wasn’t ready to say that my childbearing years were over.
And then in the ensuing weeks, the transition from being a mother of one to being a mother of two pretty much solidified it for me. I was done. Even though, after I decided that, I would get sad thinking of that bunch of kids I wanted to have that I was not going to have.
But now, over three years later, I wonder. I’m 32, if we’re gonna do this, we should do this. But can we? Do we want to? I’ve already told my mom to put away her hopes and the high chair she keeps in her dining room.
I’m doing so well on my depression/anxiety meds, do I want to mess with that? I really don’t.
But sometimes, looking at our two amazing kids, Bobby and I look at each other, and say, “Wow we make amazing kids. Maybe we need another one.”
And seeing baby Marler be born…it made me sad that I’ll never have that again.
All our baby stuff has long since been given away. We would really have to start over. And we don’t know if we want to or not.
So how did you know when you were done?
(P.S. Mom, please do not get excited.)
I’ve been a lurker for a long time and today I’ve decided to poke my head out and comment! I have 2 boys (2 years old and 14 months old) and we always thought we wanted 3 kids. Now that we actually have 2 we’re reconsidering that, it’s hard! I’ve been getting the “i really want to be pregnant urge” again but I try to keep reminding myself about the pregnancy misery and the first sleepless 6 months… It’s really not working to well for me ;). Somebody once told me you’ll always regret not having a child, but you will never regret a child you have…
P.S. I’ve been reading your blog for almost 2 years now, It’s definitely my favorite mommy blog. Thank You!
I’ve been saying the last year, that maybe I just need you to get pregnant before I can. 😉
I think that even when you decide with your brain that you are done – no matter the reason – that your heart will always tug the other way a bit. Being a mom and raising a child is such an awesome thing. It pulls in love, many emotions really, hormones and responsibilities and so much more. I don’t think those things can ever really go away for many women.
Even if I am blessed with one more child like I’ve been hoping for, I think part of me will ALWAYS want another. Realistically, we’d be done, but getting those emotions to stop…won’t happen.
I wish I had the answer to this because I’ve been pondering the same thing. My kids are 6 and 3 and I really can’t decide if I want another or not. Do I want to start all over in the baby phase? Being 36, I feel like its now or never, but that still hasn’t helped me truly make a decision. I come from a family of 5 kids and always told myself that I wanted 4-5 kids, but clearly that was before actually having them. Obviously its a very personal decision for everyone, but I would love to have a moment of absolute clarity that I’m done or I’m not.
I have to say. I have no answer for you. Kids just keep popping out. But I can tell you this. There is a huge adjustment with the 1st as we know. When the 2nd comes you have to have another huge adjustment. After the 2nd it doesn’t matter. 3-500 it is all the same. You are already doing the stuff now you just have to add in 1 more.
I always wanted 6 kids. I always state that I never said I wanted 6 biological kids. I dream of adopting. Even as I am sitting here 35 1/2 weeks pregnant with my 4th. I believe in having as many kids as you can take care of. No I am not saying go out and have 20 kids. I don’t know anybody that can 1 afford that many and 2 can sanely raise them.
Good luck in your decision making. I can’t wait to hear what you decided. Either way you will make the right choice.
My story is exactly like yours. After we had our first I was pretty set on no more. Once she got to be about 4 I decided ok, we can have another one when things settle down. Well she’s 7 now and we had our 2nd daughter in February. When I was having my c section also my doctor asked me if I wanted my tubes tied…I told her no because I’m only 28 and I didn’t want to think that I was officially “done.” Well now that the baby’s 10 months old I’m definitely sure we’re done having kids and I wish I would have gotten my tubes tied now that I look back. Of course I realize that back then…I get why I said no back then. But we’re done…done trying anyway. If something happpens…a surprise…then we’d be ok with it obviously but yes- mentally we are DONE having kids.
Gosh…I’ve been pondering this myself lately. And honestly I don’t know!!! I change my mind like every other day! With a 4 yo and 1 yo, I am SOOO busy and I think I’m done. Then I realize how fast my baby is growing up and it makes me sad. But then I realize I have two kids who sleep through the night! And I don’t miss pregnancy at all. But I’m like you..I think, “wow we make some awesome kids! What would a third look/act like?” We’ll see…..
First, let me say that it is certainly a decision that only you and your husband can make. I think as women, we always feel a little longing, even after our child bearing years are over.
I have 8 children. I have had easy pregnancies. I LOVE being pregnant. I love the newborn stage. I just love it all. Growing up, I always said I would NOT have kids, but after that first one…I was hooked. LOL
After we had 2, we thought we were done. Then came numbers 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, then 2 losses, then number 8. We really talked about that being it. I was then diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and we knew that my health was saying, no more.
But then in November I found myself looking at a + pregnancy test. Early December, I found myself facing another loss, emergency surgery (D&C) and blood transfusion. While I was laying there, my dh and I talked about our situation. Neither of us are comfy with doing anything permanant but we know that we should be done.
I think the hard part in the decision is knowing in your head but then not getting your heart to agree. LOL Here I sit at 40, with a house full of kids thinking, Should I declutter the baby stuff? Or maaaaaybeeeee, I should hold on to it.
I just don’t know.
Sorry to ramble on. LOL
Rebecca
(@strebekah on twitter)
we were DONE after benji……………ha ha matt wants me to “get fixed” after #3 but i can’t, i don’t feel right about it..if GOD has more babies planned for us i am ok with that…. even if matt isn’t!!!
When it’s one kid, it’s two against one. When it’s two on two. Thee…the odds just aren’t that great. I do not know how my mother did it with FIVE!
UP
I’m another one who wanted 6 kids until I got pregnant. I got halfway there, I have a 5yo, 3yo, and a 2yo. I was always told it would be almost impossible for me to get pregnant so when each of my surprises came along it was wonderful. However, my body doesn’t like being pregnant. Each of my pregnancies is like a horror story (actually they use one of them as a teaching example at the local med school sometimes.) My tubes were tied based on medical advice after my last c-section. When that failed I had another procedure done to make it almost impossible to get pregnant. But I really, really want another baby. Even though I know it isn’t the best choice for a lot of reasons, I still want more. I love my 3 dearly but it doesn’t feel like my family is complete. My husband and I have always talked about adopting but I just have a feeling that it won’t actually happen for us. I envy people that have an easy decision with it and are able to just say yep, I’m done. I’m definitely not one of them. Good luck with your decision.
Jenny – I am right there with you! Having one of each is so great and the thought of starting over is practically paralyzing (getting pregnant is a challenge and then being pregnant is HORRIBLE for me) – but I can’t help but look at my 3 sisters and am so grateful my parents kept right on going. 🙂 Obviously, it’s a personal decision though I like what Liz said about never regretting a child you have, but only the child you didn’t. That right there may just put me back on the baby-making train!
Hi! I just clicked on your blog from a twitter post.
I have two boys, ages 8 and 3. When my youngest turned 3 I started thinking about this myself. Do we want to try for that girl? Do we want to start over again with the no sleep thing? Do I feel like I could handle another kid? At the end of all my thinking I realized that I was done. When I see newborns and babies I don’t get that feeling like I used to. Don’t get me wrong. I LOVE babies! Love their squishy cheeks and bald heads and little fat rolls. But I feel like I’m done. I’m perfectly happy now to love on someone else’s baby and then hand them back to Mama for the hard parts.
I think when you are done you will know.
I can’t believe how many people have responded to this, so far! Man, don’t get me started. I came to the realization, I have to give up my dreams of one more baby, if it means doing what’s right and what God wants for me. Babies do cost a little, and these days it’s pretty hard. Plus my health. So sad. Still praying about it…I think when ur done, it’s really sad and another mountain to get over in life.
Well, when you figure it out, let me know, okay!! Because although I knew I was done with Carter, I still sometimes feel that if we’re going to do this, we need to do it now! Because I am not getting any younger and the age difference between the 2 boys and another is getting greater. And then I think about the extra costs that we finally paid off – a new vehicle, a larger home, etc.
If it happened by accident, we would make it work, but being on the pill and weighing the pros and cons, the decision is waaaay too difficult!
I decided after my 2nd pregnancy that was so hard, that I was done. Sometimes I regret that decision. It’s just so hard! I kind of wish I hadn’t had my tubes tied and had just let God decide how many I would have. Good luck with your decision!
When you stick your head in the toilet and flush just to get a moment to yourself… you know you’re done. And I’m there 🙂
Get pregnant and then announce it on your blog using the title of Emily’s most recent post!
I thought I was done after one! haha! I am very impatient and such a clean freak, that after the first child, I was in total shock!
We did have more, just after quite some time, we now have a 14 year old, a 3 year old, and 2 month old twins!
Having children when you are older really makes you appreciate things more, because you are at grips with your patience! (at least for me, that is.)
Good luck!
When my husband and I were dating, and when we got married, we both wanted 3. Then I miscarried twins. Gloomily, we thought we’d be lucky to even have one. When I fell pregnant with our oldest, and in the beginning were diagnosed as having had another miscarriage, we questioned even trying again. When we moved overseas, saw a doctor, and were told that our ‘miscarriage’ was a 12-week pregnancy, things changed. When she was 9-months old, and I found myself staring at that pink line, I panicked. Fast forward to three days ago, staring at another pink line, while my 19 month old was sitting in the shopping cart and the 3 year old was touching everything she could find in the public restroom, I questioned my own sanity. But today, I know without a doubt that 3 is the magic number for us. Our family is a puzzle, and for us, needed one more piece to be complete. Am I terrified? You betcha. But I’m also really, really, excited.
So – short answer? We just knew, on a deep and meaningful level, that three was the right number for us.
I am 43 now and I only have one son and I am so sorry that I didn’t have more and now at this age I don’t think that I could handle it but I think that you still have a few years to figure out if you want another one and they say you can have kids right up to your 40’s (I just dont’ want to find out the hard way LOL) Good luck in what ever you decide.
Molly is 6mo old and I am already having ovarian cravings! I was one of two and that was all well and good, but as a kid I was terribly jealous of your family (for many reasons :)) for having what I thought of us a “real” family because you had more kids. So if you can afford it, I say the more the merrier! (and no, your mom did not pay me.)
My sister and I are seven years apart. If my mom had had a third one, there would have been a huge gap between me and the youngest. They decided not to have a third because of that — they didn’t want to have one in college and one in grade school. Now Mom says she wonders what she was thinking — she wishes she’d had one more. Sarah and I were gone all too quickly and she would have given anything to have one still at home — the bigger the age gap the better.
The whole adoption process/financial stress of adoption pretty much made the decision for me — I’ll be stopping with one. I wish I had the option of having more if I chose.
I am a mom of 8 as well. I love all o my kids….but we are done after hours of prayers and seeking God’s will in the matter. My advice…..none from me – PRAY until you are sure God has spoken in the matter. Love you. OH-and I have baby stuff! If you decide to continue:)
Love this post because every mom asks this of herself! Sitting here at 30 weeks pregnant, my husband and I agreed together that we’re done. Our kids will be 4, 2, and new. I felt blessed after one child, certainly two, and now 3. But I also have friends with 4 who say they want more and don’t want to be done. Even my mom said that after 2 she had that moment for a few weeks where she wanted a third, it passed, and then life moved on happily. I think any mom goes through that no matter how many kids they have. While it may be super lame advice, I think you’d do great with however many kids you decide to have. You can never experience life as it may be, only as it is.
Psalm 127 Lo, children are an heritage of the LORD: and the fruit of the womb is his reward.As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man; so are children of the youth. Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them.
=) =) =)
I think you should MOST definitely have 1 more, because at this rate I’ll never have one and I could totally live vicariously through you!!! I mean, if you’re lucky, I might even get sympathy morning sickness! 🙂 And because babies are just so freakin’ adorable and cute!
When I was young, I didn’t want kids. When I got a little older, I thought maybe 1. My husband wanted 3. I decided 2 was okay – but not more than that because they couldn’t out number us. Then we adopted Sabrina. Actually being a mom was so different than I imagined…I still wasn’t sure I wanted more than 2 but I wasn’t quite as adamant. I figured the adoption costs would prohibit more than 2 – wasn’t sure how we were going to afford even a second adoption. Then I found out I was pregnant. It was difficult for me medically. Tessa was our miracle and I wasn’t about to push my luck and hope for a second one so I had my tubes tied during my c-section. (Hubby completely on board and volunteered for the big V if I didn’t have to have a c-section.) Wow…a newborn was amazing but 2 was so very hard. It took me months to feel competent and human again. Suddenly my newborn wasn’t an infant anymore. We were putting away swings and exersaucers and highchairs and infant seats for the last time. EVER. I struggle with every milestone not the declare that we have to find a way to have a third. But I know that as much as I mourn the loss of a newborn and an infant that I really don’t want to go back there – it was amazing but hard. Then again, we are keeping adoption in the back of our minds for a maybe someday scenario and we talk about it when we get sad. I don’t think we’ll do it but it is nice to know there are options.
I’m with you. Should we? Shouldn’t we? We said before Emmaline was born that we were done, but then with all the complications after her arrival, I feel cheated out of my final good hospital/enjoy your newborn experience. Our life is so busy with 3 that I have trouble seeing how to fit in a 4th. Not to mention that our youngest has Down syndrome and requires more of my time. We’re still in prayer about it, but according to Jacob, “Jesus told me he’s going to give me a baby brother!” Guess we’ll see what God has planned.
I am a lurker too but I wanted to weigh in. My third will be 10 months in a week and I can not tell you how happy he makes me. I have five year old twins so we were starting over too but now the twins are in school and it is me and my baby. I never felt done before my last one. Now, I know we are done…our family feels complete.
My decision was made for me by my hubby!! He already had 2 children when we met and on our second date I asked if he wanted any more. He told me no and I told him then there is no reason for us to date any longer. (I was 28 and knew I wanted to be a mom at some point. He then stammered well maybe I could have one more and I said no maybe about it I wanted to be a mom and if he wasn’t willing then there was no point in going further. SO our agreement was 1 child. I had wanted 2 right away. Now that I have a very active 3 year old i don’t know what I would have done with an infant and her LOL I know I would have done it if that is what happened. So I am happy to be a mommy and think about what if and just hug my princess alittle tighter!!!