Category: Jenny’s Life Klass

Welcome to a very special Halloween edition of Jenny’s Life Klass! Are you excited or WHAT!? I know I am. Emily and I have a very special Halloween tradition in that our families go trick-or-treating together in her neighborhood (because I? Live in the Ghetto and we’re a little afraid the trick is going to be a live firework or a doobie in the kids trick-or-treat bags. But anyhoo.)

We’ve been perpetrating this trick-or-treat tradition ever since Joshua and Kate were infants, so that means I’ve been out at Beggar’s Night as an adult for about nine years now. And here’s something it only took me one time out to learn: many of you are letting your little daughters trick-or-treat dressed as whores.

That’s right, America! You’ve let your 9-year-olds roam the streets  as witches or car hops or nurses, or even princesses! Nothing wrong with that, right?  Well, not in theory. But in reality…you manage to find ways, or let your daughters find ways to make these costumes reallllly slutty. So just in time for All Hallow’s Eve, let me lay down a few ground rules for your little girl’s costume. You are welcome in ADVANCE!

Rule 1: Ix-nay on the orset-cay.  PEOPLE! No one under the age of 18 should be allowed to wear a corset! Vote, buy cigarettes, wear a corset. Makes sense to me! Why does it not make sense to the parents of the bazillions of underage corset-wearing girls I see at trick or treat each year? WHY!?

That costume is marketed as a “tween” costume. Which I guess is supposed to make it ok?

2. Hemlines shall be closer to the knee than to the butt cheeks. I’m not saying skirts need to be down to their ankles but THIS????

IS NOT OK!! And this costume comes as small as a little girl’s 3/4!!

3. Just say no to fishnets. I think I’m going to impose the age 18 rule to fishnets as well. Because fishnets are for women, NOT FOR GIRLS!  And this??

Comes in children’s sizes.
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be slutty pirates.
What else can I say? I’ve seen some pretty crazy whorish stuff out at trick-or-treat!

To be at the head of Jenny’s Life Klass, please don’t let your baby girl go dressed as a thinly disguised hooker! Dress her in an age-appropriate costume for Halloween and you will get an A+++!!

What are some of your “favorite” Halloween costumes you’ve seen for little girls?

Welcome to Jenny’s Life Klass #5: How to avoid giving your child a stupid name! I am so glad you are still here along for the ride with me. You might want to put on your thick skin for this one, however.  If you haven’t been offended by any of my no-nonsense Life Klass lessons before this one, well…congrats.  I hope today is not the day I touch a nerve. Because you see, I am actually a very nice person.  And I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.  But a quick trip through my children’s yearbooks from the last couple of years has taught me one thing: Some of you are naming your children unforgivable stupid things.

I  want to help, America! feel it is my duty to try and slow this down a bit.  Because one day, fellow parents?  If we are lucky, our children will have the assertiveness to put his or her name on a job application. And if that name is STUPID? Your child could immediately be out of the running for that position.  I know this because I used to hire people.  And if I couldn’t say the name on the resume without laughing my butt off?  I didn’t make the call.  So, listen up mom and dad! If you care about your little darling’s future, you need to follow these three rules to avoid giving your baby a stupid, life-ruining name.  And remember! If you’ve already done this, you can always go to court and change the kid’s name. It’s never too late to do the right thing. So lean in close to the screen and take notes, people. Your decision to follow or eschew these rules is vital to your child’s success in life.

1) Apostrophes should NOT be used in first names.  Apostrophes are to show possession or be used in contractions.  If your child’s name is a contraction IT IS STUPID.  Sorry, but it’s true.  Maybe it’s a cute name when you pronounce it, but spelled out? It’s dumb as a doornail.  So don’t do it.  Sorry, pedigreed-ladies, this goes for “family names” too.  If your mother’s maiden named was O’Hara and you want to name your kid that, PUT THAT NAME IN THE MIDDLE. Apostrophes are okay in middle names if it is a family name and not a made-up contraction.  Sorry, I don’t make up the rules (oh wait YES I DO) I just enforce them! I know that’s a major bummer because you wanted to name your twins Court’nee and Can’dee but TOO BAD.

2) Do not take a “regular” word, be it noun, verb, adverb, or adjective, and turn it into a name. Do. Not. Do. It. If you are thinking about committing this tragedy, let me tell you about a little girl in Sophie’s preschool class  named “Honesty”.  Except it was spelled Honest’I.  WHICH ALSO VIOLATES RULE TWO.  And the capital I?  I should make another rule for that.  Poor Honest’I was a total cutie with an unfortunate name.  Because honesty is a character quality, not a name.  And I don’t know what the heck Honest’I is but it is not cute. The girl was darling, but she had both an unfortunate name and transient parents who only had her in the school for two months (start on Halloween, gone by Christmas break!)  so I fear for her future. If I were her I’d at least start spelling my name “Honesty” before it’s time to start filling out resumes and job applications. Sigh.  So if you are thinking of naming your kid after a trait or virtue, just don’t.  It’s kinda pretentious, and NO PRESSURE on little Excellence (but better than X’cellence) and Virtue, geez.

3) The third and final rule in this holy trinity is specifically for parents of boys.  Future girly mamas, you can breathe a sigh of relief, I’m not going to kill any more of your naming dreams. I have noticed, once again, leafing through my kids’ yearbooks, that there is a trend in naming boys things that end with the “In” sound. For example, Aiden, Jayden, Caden, Braden.  These are all perfectly great names.  UNLESS YOU SPELL THEM WRONG.  Hear me out people: because this is important.  “Jayden” is a boy’s name (or a girl’s, heck, that’s fine!), but “Jaydann” is a GIRL’S name.  If you end your child’s name in “ann” you had better be naming a girl.  Do not ruin the “in” names by spelling them “ann”.  If that baby has a winkie, please, please, please, don’t give him a name fit for a vajayjay. PLEASE. I shouldn’t even have to tell you what the social consequences of an error in judgment such as that one will be!

Three simple rules, my fair klassmates.  You can follow them, I know you can!  And remember, don’t shoot the messenger. I’m not trying to rain on your creativity, I’m just trying to help your kid have a bright, taunt-free future.  Where he or she can get a JOB.  You are welcome! Now go forth and serve and don’t name your kids dumb things.  And also, don’t be mad at me.

Kisses!

 

Welcome to Jenny’s Life Klass!  I know you’ve been dying for more essential life instruction, so today, in lesson 4 we are discussing a BIGGIE: What Not to Put on Your Facebook Status.

Pay attention, people! This is important!  I am going to save you from getting un-friended or unsubscribed to by people you went to junior high with. You cannot live without this information!  So commit this to memory, or better yet, bookmark this post and read it immediately before you post a Facebook status.  Every. Single. Time.

Here we go!

1) Do not use the acronym “LOL” in your status more than once.  I’d prefer you not use it at all, but if you must,  you are permitted only once and in ALL CAPS. Writing “lol” is totally stupid.  Sorry, but “Lol I’m so hungover lol” just makes you sound DUMB.  And also? Being hungover is no excuse for using “LOL” twice in one status!

 

2) Do not post motivational quotations at 3-minute intervals when you are trying to psych yourself up for something. While I am happy that you are working on overcoming a mental hurdle of some sort, I have just lost all respect for you because I am picturing you listening to Zig Ziglar on your iPod while rocking back and forth with your eyes squeezed shut repeating “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it! People LIKE me!”  I’d like you a lot better if you kept the “if you believe it you can achieve it” gar-bage to yourself.

 

3) Do NOT brag about how much money you are making in your home-based business.  If people with “regular” jobs (like Emily, for instance, or my husband – certainly not this girl!) posted photos of their paychecks or said how much money they were making, it would be deemed WHOLLY inappropriate. BECAUSE IT IS!  I’m glad you’re happy, but…find another way to recruit. Or I will un-subscribe to your feed  like it’s MY job.

 

4) Don’t get passive-aggressive with your ex.  I know you’re not FB pals with them (scandal!) but someone he or she knows will read the status and tell them what it says. WHICH YOU KNOW, because that’s why you are doing it!  Statuses that begin with “I don’t usually say things like this but…” shouldn’t be written! PERIOD.  Work your custody issues with your baby daddy out in a less public forum.

And finally, and this one’s for Emily…

5) Don’t randomly Capitalize the words In your facebook Status lol lol lol.  Random capitalization is the bane of Emily’s existence.  You all are driving her c-c-c-craaazy and I need her sane!  Plus, you look really, really stupid when your status reads: “Had such A Good day with The family went for a Picnic and Had some great Food.”  After I read this, I’m not happy you had a good day with your family, I’m MAD that I had to read about it in a way that was so degrading to the English language.

So.

Be a good JLK student, and get your FB act together!  You can do it, and if you do, I’ll totally un-hide your posts and we can all live in FB harmony for like, ever.  As long as we never have to see each other in real life.

Go forth And Do better! (Lol lol lol.)