Mommin' It Up!

Welcome to Jenny’s Life Klass, Lesson #3:What Not to Get on Your Tattoo. Listen up, people. I know that tattoos are cool and trendy and what not. I have several friends with some very pretty tattoos, in fact. (You know who you are!) And I’m not against them or anything, but they are not my thing. However, when I go to the pool and I am one of only 20% of the adults there without one? I know they are here to stay. I also know that because they are permanent, ding dongs.

You guys, did you know tattoos are like, FOREVER? Unless you have lots of money for expensive and painful laser removal? TRUE STORY!

So, you still want one? Well, that’s cool. But look before you leap, my lovelies. Don’t get a tattoo without reading this. I bring you, my people, the Jenny’s Life Klass list of things to not get stamped on your a$$ forever.

1) Your significant other’s name. Guess what, America? Relationships don’t last. Just ask Angelina Jolie about her “Billy Bob” tattoo. Which is now a FUGLY snake. I’m sure Brad thinks it’s super-sexy. So before you get “Kanye 4EVA” tattooed on your cleavage, Kim Kardashian, think twice! And don’t.

2) Expletives. Hey, Klassy Lady at the pool? Your “Sexy B*tch” tattoo is totally smokin’ and dag!! I know it must’ve been hard to resist getting that SWEET TAT! But my adorable genius children? CAN READ. And “MOMMY WHAT DOES B*TCH MEAN??” is not what I want to hear coming out of their precious little mouths. So either a) don’t get that crap tattooed on your “tramp stamp” designated area or b) don’t wear a bikini {because girl? I’ll be honest. You shouldn’t be. The “sexy” bit of your tattoo? NO LONGER APPLIES.} or c) get it tattooed on the bottom of your foot where my little baby’s innocent eyes won’t see it.

3) Celebrities’ faces. Geez, I KNOW this one is hard to resist. I have to fight back the urge to get Emily’s face tattooed across my shoulder blade on a daily basis. However, what keeps me from making this grave mistake is this simple truth: FACES belong on heads and not on other body parts. So even though you really want to get this on your bod:

and this:

oprah — Your back tattoo's Life Class? SUCKS.

and this:

danza — Who's the Boss? It's not this tattoo.

Do. NOT. DO IT.

And though I still bottom line, do NOT approve, if you absolutely MUST get a tattoo of a celebrity’s face on your bod, at least pick something we can all enjoy:

ELF — Buddy the Elf, what's your favorite color?

Remember people, think before you ink!

Your homework for this Life Klass: don’t get a tattoo that contains expletives, lover’s names, or other people’s faces. Engaging in any of these actions will result in you failing Life Klass and getting sent straight to hell. Seriously, I checked. You should probably trust me on this one.

Go forth and be Klassy!

Hello and welcome to lesson 2 of Jenny’s Life Klass. In this lesson I will be telling you how to DRIVE A CAR in a manner which will not only keep you and your passengers and fellow road-mates safe but will also keep you from pissing me off. So, why don’t you jump over to the passenger seat and get cozy while I drive for a bit. Don’t worry, I passed my driver’s test on the THIRD try, so you’re in good hands! And though I do have that stain on my record, I haven’t had any collisions since I hit a parked car backing out of my future in-laws’ driveway in 1997. And it wasn’t even MOVING. And the only reason I hit it is because I totally didn’t look in my rearview mirror, like, AT ALL when I was backing out. So. Lesson learned. Fifteen years of keeping my car to myself since then and now I’m ready to be the backseat driver for everyone in the entire world.

So, listen up! Here are my basic tenets for successful car-driving:

1) Use your turn signal. Listen, I know it’s a real strain on your wrist to flick that little signal switch up or down, but I promise you, exerting yourself is worth the effort here. Because although I am brilliant (and attractive), I am not clairvoyant and if you are driving down the road in my vicinity, I can’t read your $#!@ mind. So do me a favor and SIGNAL which way you’re going, mmkay? Especially if you are going to cut me off. Which reminds me…

2) DO NOT CUT ME OFF. Again, I realize you are super-important and are probably like, a news anchor or neurosurgeon or something, but me & my kids still need to get to Sonic for happy hour in one piece. Soooo, please don’t swerve over in my lane in front of my super bad-ass Sienna (because it is kind of a tank and it WILL crunch your Miata) unless you are giving me plenty of room to brake, THX.

3) Drive the speed limit. Not less. I can’t advocate speeding but I CAN advocate going a MINIMUM of the posted speed limit. When you go 30 MPH in a 35, you take YEARS off my life, and cause my irrational anger issues to vault to the surface. Again, I gotsta get to Sonic before 5pm to get my half-off Vanilla Coke, so MOVE IT!! Priorities, Grandma. (Yes, I am talking to you in the BUICK.)

4) Don’t pass me, get in front of me, and then go slower than me. Or I. WILL. CUT YOU. (Don’t make me!)

And lastly,

5) Hit the gas when the light turns green! Much to my father’s chagrin (hi dad!) I am always in a hurry. And when the light turns green, I GO. I think you should too! Don’t wait three or five or ten seconds just to make SURE that the light is actually green. Green is actually QUITE different from red and if you need to verify that with a double-take, you probably shouldn’t be driving. And also? If you get a green ARROW to turn left on, PUT THE PEDAL to the FLOOR! Green arrows are quick little suckers and if you hesitate, then I might not make it through that intersection in time. And as I’ve previously mentioned, I’ve got places to be. There is no moseying through a green arrow. GO!!

What do you think, should I open up my own driving school?

Go forth and practice these points! Your Life Klass homework is to not be a crappy driver. I hope you all get an A+ or stay the heck away from me when I’m on my way to Sonic. Either way.

For extra credit, what points would you add to make this lesson of Jenny’s Life Klass even more comprehensive?

Category: Jenny’s Life Klass

Jenny’s Life Klass: What Not to Get on Your Tattoo

Jenny’s Life Klass: How to Drive a Car