Mommin' It Up!

May 22, 2013May 22, 2013

Don’t Shark Where You Eat

(So, first of all, if you’re *gasp* not a regular reader of Mommin’ It Up, you might want to read this to decode the title of this post. Ooh, mystery!)

The time is fast approaching when my kids are going to be too old for me to write about certain things they do or don’t do. And let’s face it, for this one, that time may already be past. But, since Emily loves it when I write about poop, I am going to throw this delightful tale in for old times’ sake. After all, I still have a two-year-old at home and my life is going to be ruled by my children’s bowels for a long time to come. For instance, nothing seems to move the aforementioned bowels like Mommy needing to get out of the house in a hurry. Which is why Jonah had to drop a deuce in his diaper two seconds after I needed to leave for physical therapy this morning. But anyway. Back to the dung at hand.

One of my children, who shall remain nameless, has a tendency to need to go #2 during a meal. This same child takes a book to the bathroom every time a poop is imminent. (Star Wars: The Visual Dictionary is currently the bathroom read du jour.) And, if we’re out to eat? The 20-minute doody session is a guarantee. This holds true even if it’s Grandma & Grandpa that are taking the kids out to dinner. I cannot tell you how many times my dad has had to pass a quarter hour or more in the Frisch’s bathroom with this kid. It’s bad enough that I’m uncomfortable taking my kids out to eat by myself, because I don’t feel comfortable leaving a child in the public restroom by himself for 20 minutes, and I’m not taking ALL the kids into the bathroom for that long. Not to mention the un-named super pooper will complain violently about the embarrassment of having to go in the women’s restroom.

But seriously, what is UP with that? This phenomenon has been occurring for the better part of a year, I’d say. It does happen fairly often at home, but nothing guarantees it more than the anticipation of a grilled cheese & fries kids meal on order.

I hope he outgrows it, because it’s going to be extremely awkward going on dates to restaurants one day if not. Especially if he’s lugging around that giant Star Wars book to pass the time. Maybe I should get him a Kindle.

These are the bowels of my lives, people. The bowels of my lives.

Photo Credit: kagey_b via Compfight cc

May 21, 2013

Perspective

So, there’s a lot of devastation in our country today. People whose homes have been lost, people whose children have been lost. It’s difficult to comprehend. I really don’t know what to say about it, and the post I had planned to write about the house plant that I keep in a state of purgatory hovering between life and death seems like a waste of breath (although I can’t promise I won’t write it next week when I have nothing else to say).

In unrelated news, but really, it’s kind of related, I saw this video yesterday, and I wanted to pass it along. It’s long, but it’s worth it.

May 20, 2013

Jenny’s Life Klass: How NOT to shop for groceries

Hola amigos! It’s Monday, I can think of NO better way to start the week of right than attending a Jenny’s Life Klass. Today I am going to cover one of the basic functions that every human needs to master in order to be a functioning member of society: grocery shopping. Just to be super-clear, I am going to tell you how TO grocery shop by telling you how NOT to grocery shop. Are we crystal? Good! Now grab your cart (I call dibs on the one that actually steers straight) and let’s get shopping!

In order to make this a truly comprehensive Klass, I’m going to start at the very beginning of each grocery trip. The parking lot.

1) Do NOT drive around for 10 minutes looking for a front-row parking space. Grocery store parking lots are like an extremely dangerous Tetris game. And they’re ALWAYS crowded. So just find the nearest open space and PARK. I don’t want to get stuck following you while you circle the lot at 3 MPH for the 33rd time, or while you wait stopped with your blinker on for 10 minutes for an octogenarian in a Buick to put her groceries away, start her car, and leave. JUST PARK so that I can also just park! But do NOT park in a handicapped space unless you have a permit. Or the bottom will drop out of that cement slab like a cartoon trap door and you will be sucked straight into the lake of fire. Sheesh.

I hate that I have to write this next point, but sadly, people of Kroger, you have proved to me time and time again that I MUST.

2) Do NOT walk down the middle of the parking lot aisles as you make your way into the store. You guys, FOR REAL. Stick to the right or to the left. (If you’re having trouble remembering which is which, make an L with your pointer finger and thumb on your left hand. Got it? Good job! Go get a sticker!) And for goodness sake, if you have a child or children with you, HOLD THEIR hands! And lastly (sorry this is multi-level instruction, good thing it’s in writing so you can review it before you shop), PUT THE PEDAL TO THE METAL. The grocery store parking lot is no place for meandering. SO HUSTLE!

Now that you’ve made it safely inside…

3) Do NOT push your cart without purpose. Much like the parking lot, the grocery store aisles are no place for meandering. Ain’t nobody got time for your dilly-dallying! Get what you need and get OUT OF MY WAY! Also, since your cart doesn’t have brake lights on it, no sudden stops! The front of my cart does not want to give you a rectal exam, but that could totally happen if you don’t look before you brake.

4) Don’t. Block. The. Aisle. Look, I totally get that you need to compare the price per ounce on store brand peanut butter and name brand peanut butter – who do you think you’re talking to? I see price-per-ounce stickers in my sleep. But you can do it with your cart tucked neatly to one side of the aisle (see #2) and your body as close to the product as possible. I know it’s fun to stand in the middle of the aisle with your hands on your hips, bent over so your nose is touching the peanut butter and your rear end is touching the pancake mix across the aisle. So freeing! Such a good stretch! BUT SAVE THAT CRAP FOR YOGA CLASS AND GET OUTTA MY WAY!

5) Do NOT organize your coupons IN the checkout line. Look, I am going to go easy on you here. I’m not even asking you to be a good citizen and get your coupons together before you enter the store. I’m a coupon lady, I know you need to make some adjustments to your pile o’ coupons before you get to the register. So pull your cart over in an empty aisle (wine or deli works well for me) and get your savings squared away BEFORE you hold up the checkout line. If you wait until the cashier has rung everything up and then take an extra five minutes to pull wadded coupons out of the pockets of your Gloria Vanderbilt pleated jeans while my toddler tries to get out of the cart seat belt, I will follow you home and place a flaming back of poo on your porch under cover of darkness. COUNT ON IT.

And finally, people.

6) Do NOT go grocery shopping unless you are fully-dressed in clothes that one wears DURING THE DAYTIME. Pajama pants are not ok. Yeah, I live in the hood, SO WHAT? I always turn up to the Kroghetto fully dressed in clothing that one does not wear to go swimming or night-night, and I expect the same of you. My Kroghetto even has a sign on the front door to help you out: “A bikini top does not count as a shirt.” THANK YOU, Kroghetto! You are a true retail citizen of the world. At least you were, until you let this lady in the other day:

Yes, I DID take a picture of my fellow shopper, and yes, I am a horrible person BUT I CAN’T UN-SEE THAT!!!! And apparently some people need examples of what is and is NOT appropriate to wear to the grocery. It looked as if she was wearing NO pants at first, although I’m not entirely sure that pink fabric we see is not her underwear. Because really how could her undies be any smaller? I mean, for the love! What if my big kids had been with me? I can hear Sophie yelling at the top of her lungs, “MOMMY WHY ISN’T THAT WOMAN WEARING PANTS?” I don’t have an answer for that. I’m not even going to mention the towel on her head BECAUSE SHE’S NOT WEARING PANTS!

People. I beg you. Wear daytime clothes to the store. Ones that cover you up. THINK OF THE CHILDREN!

Well, my pretty pupils, I thin that about covers it. Unless you have some more gems to add to the list. EXTRA CREDIT for leaving your grocery store no-nos in the comments!

Your Life Klass assignment? Go shopping. Drive car and cart properly. Watch out for others. Wear clothes. You can do it!!