Mommin' It Up!

February 14, 2014

I don’t understand myself.

I don’t know what is wrong with me. I’m serious. Is there a mental-health (or lack thereof) term for making everything in the world AS DIFFICULT AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE??? If there is, I have it.

As you may recall from my last freak-out around Halloween, I somehow managed to volunteer myself to be a room mom for both Kate’s and Sam’s classes. The only responsibilities are to plan the holiday parties. I say “only” like it’s no big deal. And it probably isn’t, for normal people. People who, unlike me, don’t complicate things just for fun.

For starters, both the parties are at the exact same time. So that’s helpful. Fortunately Andy’s school day ends right before the parties start, so he’s taking one and I’m taking the other. Which is great. But the planning? All me.

I’ve managed to keep Kate’s party pretty simple, actually. It’s all games, no crafts. Fourth graders can do things like toss marshmallows into Dixie cups and other highly-skilled activities that kindergartners can’t. Which, now that I think about it, means I have done this all EXACTLY BACKWARDS. It would have made more sense to have that party be the complicated one, and keep the kindergarten one simple.

But no.

Sam’s teacher suggested I plan four stations and have the kids rotate between them. They’ve got a table for putting icing and sprinkles on sugar cookies, one for making hand-print Valentines (because kindergartners and painted hands is a GREAT IDEA), one for making heart-shaped suncatchers out of construction/tissue/contact paper, and one for making necklaces out of hearts, straws, beads, and yarn. I have no idea how long any of this is going to take, and I don’t know how many parent helpers I’m going to have. I predict this will not end well. And I blame pinterest.

So, I’ve been busy stuffing goody bags, buying supplies, and cutting crap out of construction paper. I have spreadsheets and Word documents and spray adhesive and hole punches coming out the wazoo. All in preparation for what is likely to be a complete disaster.

Next time, someone remind me to feed the kids chocolate and let them play duck duck goose until the bus comes to pick them up.

Let me also say that my hat is off to preschool and elementary school teachers, because planning these things has nearly been the death of me. I call them “parties” and consider them “special occasions.” The teachers call it “Friday.” Appreciation for the prep work that they do each and every day is not lost on me. It’s a good thing they get paid so much. Oh, wait.

So, um, anyway… Happy Valentine’s Day. And don’t forget to never volunteer to be a room mom.

February 12, 2014February 12, 2014

I don’t know how you do it

I have what is most definitely, without question, a wonderful life. It is not perfect. There are parts of it that are very hard. But it is good, it is happy, and it is full of joy.

The problem is, it is also full of OTHER things. To be honest, my family doesn’t DO all that much. Sophie has gymnastics once a week, Jonah has speech once a week, and that’s about it. My husband works til seven and I am not carting three kids on my own to various and sundry activities. I’m not doing it, because even if they kids wanted to, I couldn’t handle it.

What I do is this: I wake up at 6:30 and help get the big kids ready for school. I get myself dressed and ready, then I wake Jonah up, get him fed and dressed and drive him to school. In the two hours and 45 minutes he’s at school, I will go to the grocery or drug store, or I’ll come home and clean, or write articles for my freelance job, or volunteer for Shoes 4 the Shoeless. I try and remember to start the crock pot and the laundry during this time, and if I’m lucky, the dishes, too. Then, I go pick Jonah up. Tuesdays we go to speech, other days I give him lunch, we work on speech together for 15 minutes or so (about as much as he will cooperate for at this point) and then at 1:30 or 2:00 I try to get him down for a nap so I can get whatevertheheckIdidn’tgetdonethismorning finished before the big kids bust in the door at 3:15. Oh, except Wednesdays, Wednesdays I load Jonah up in the van about 2:15 and we go pick the kids and their friend up. It is the only day I have to pick them up and I am very thankful for that because I HATE IT. It totally messes Jonah up and Wednesday afternoons are therefore typically frustrating and unpleasant.

(As you’re reading this, it’s Wednesday. And I have spent my morning scouring #%$! thrift stores for a $%#!@ blazer and tie for Joshua because he has to dress up as his book report character Friday. WHY ALWAYS THE DRESSING UP?????? He chose Ronald Reagan.)

Weekends we run errands, go to church and house church, family birthday parties, etc. Sometimes we will have nothing to do, which Bobby and I love, but the kids are NEVER happy about. So it’s invent something to do, or listen to them complain, or punish them for complaining…

This is all I do. It is really not THAT much. And yet, it is more than I can handle. The sad truth is that when the big kids come in the door on weekdays at 3:15, I am almost NEVER ready for them to be home yet. My brain isn’t ready for the constant jabber (Sophie) or the drill-sergeanting Joshua through homework. I always have one more thing I’ve yet to cross off my list, and I’m not ready, I am just NOT READY to have two more living, breathing BALLS OF NEED standing expectantly before me.

I think maybe by 4:00 I could be ok. But I am never ready at 3:15.

This makes me feel terrible every day. As I am writing this, it’s 3:40 and Sophie is watching Jake and the Neverland Pirates and she CANNOT watch it without narrating it for me and I want EARPLUGS I WANT EARPLUGS so I can concentrate and finish this. Yesterday I told Bobby I thought I was having a nervous breakdown. He was at work, we were instant messaging. And he said. “Why? What happened?” And I said “Nothing happened. My brain is just too full and it makes me sad.”

Huh?? I think perhaps I have adult ADD.

And you, all of you? Probably do WAY more than I do. You have more kids, they play sports, or are in Girl Scouts, or you work evenings, or you homeschool…it feels pretty pathetic that I am never caught up on life when I don’t have THAT much to do.

But that’s the way it is. And I’d simplify if I could, but like I said, there’s not that much to cut out.

I think I just suck at being an adult. And I think that I would enjoy life so much more if I could just be still for awhile. But that doesn’t seem to be an option at this stage.

February 11, 2014February 11, 2014

Viral Mother/Son Dance Video? No thanks.

Last week, another video spread like wildfire throughout social media. The video, titled “The Most Amazing Mother Son Wedding Dance EVER!!!!,” has nearly a million views.

If you haven’t seen it (and for some strange reason want to), here you go.

But here’s the thing.

Mother/Son wedding dances aren’t supposed to be amazing. They aren’t supposed to go viral. They aren’t supposed to be choreographed! They aren’t supposed to upstage the bride.

And for the love of all that is holy, they are not supposed to send a subliminal message from mother-in-law to hew newly-minted daughter-in-law with the songs “I Want You Back” and “Can’t Touch This.”

I’ll let you all ponder that one for a minute.

I just think the whole thing is wildly inappropriate, and I wish for the bride’s sake it had taken place before she had said her vows, so she knew exactly what she was getting herself into.

Listen, I am the mother of a son whom I love more than life itself. The bond between a boy and his mom? I get it. But, much like the promises I’ve made to Kate about not being an evil shrew when she picks out her wedding dress (and yes, she and I watch way too much “Say Yes to the Dress”), I am 100% confident in saying that that is something I will not do if and when Sam gets married. I just cannot conceive of how this woman thought that making her son’s wedding reception all about her was a good idea.

Narcissism with a dose of Oedipus complex thrown in for kicks. Gotta love it.

Don’t believe me? Check out this quote from the Daily Mail:

The video has now been viewed almost 800,000 and Kathy Bunker says she made a commitment to a producer from Ellen that she and her son would appear on the show.

I’m betting her son and his wife will make a commitment to appear on Divorce Court.