Year: 2009

Every day I get a pretty good amount of email. And because I am still 12, I LOVE getting email and check it obsessively about 783 times a day. Sadly, however, a good 50% of my emails are of the “spam” variety. Most of these my spam filter catches, but if it’s having an off day, I sometimes end up with little gems like “Aliens spotted” or “80% off the little blue pill” right in my inbox. Some of these email subject titles are so, um, creative, that I thought I’d share some with you, because really, it would be selfish of me to keep all these life-improving emails to myself! So, out of the goodness of my heart, I give you the contents of my spam folder (I am using some creative spelling on some of these words so as not to attract more spam comments to this blog!):

“Earn a Degree While You Work” – Emily has apparently already read this one.

“A Transg*ndered Life – Can You Imagine?” – Can I imagine having a fake p*nis? No, not really, to tell you the truth!

“Aca! Berry has saved lives – let it save yours! Get your free trial now!” – I’ve already got Emily and she’s all the Berry I can handle, thankyouverymuch. She’s never saved my life, though. Hmm.

“I found you a new job” – no thanks! I like being gainfully unemployed.

“Prove to your wife that there can still be a lot of p@ssion in your bedr00m” – duh, I don’t even HAVE a wife. Do your research, spammers!!

“2 inches off your waistline during the Holidays” – Holidays? I better bookmark that one. I hate that two inches I usually gain on the 4th of July.

“Bigger Your ShortP*nis” – once again, do your research, people! I am not a dude.

“Pillowcase that prevents fine lines and wrinkles” – call me when you’ve got one that also removes my eye makeup.

“Is it possible to make over $1 million a year from home?” – I don’t know, you tell me! Oh wait? Does it involve work? Or sending people sp@mmy emails all day like YOU do? No thanks.

“Luxury W@tches for people with average incomes” – I swear to you, I get as much spam about fake R0lex’s as I do about p*nis enlargement. Apparently if you have a fancy watch you can get away with having a tiny schl0ng.

and finally,

“The Secret to Immortality” – here’s a secret for YOU: I don’t want to live forever. Cause really, being 1,000 years old and still looking like I’m say, 31 (wink, wink) and having all my friends and family be, you know, DEAD and living it up in heaven without me while I eat freeze-dried food and watch whippersnappers zoom around in those newfangled spaceships all the kids are driving these days doesn’t really sound all that FUN.

Well, there ya go. Hopefully you have found a life-changing solution from the contents of my spam inbox! If not, I’ve got plenty more where that came from, so, you know…EMAIL me!!